Time heals all wounds but how much time is really needed? I was recently chatting with an old friend I have reconnected with about issues we are both struggling with in our lives. We were talking about how much of a challenge it is to stay positive when it seems like your world is crumbling around you. We both exchanged great advice but deep down we know it is easier said than done. When it isn't your problem it is easy to address, but when it is your world crumbling you can't run to the light fast enough. It is so hard to move on or to forget the problem all together. The saying "time heals all wounds" is almost a slap in the face because sometimes time isn't always on your side or time just makes you think more and more about the issue at hand. I wish I was in the movie Inception. I could go deeper into inception where I have all the time in the world to battle this cancer and when I come out of inception my cancer is gone. In inception it may have taken forever but in real life ,which is what matters most to me, it has only been minutes or days. Time is what I need in this stage of my alien disease diagnosis. It has become a lot more complex than it originally seemed to be.
As you all know my last chemo was on December 13th and on December 22nd Daniel and I jetsetted off to Kansas City. We left our two anxious but lovely dogs with a friend (bless his heart) and enjoyed a week with family and friends. It was amazing! I got to see people I haven't seen in a long time (some ten years) and it was such a wonderful feeling to know I am loved by all of them. The week was filled with happy emotions but also sad emotions. It was wonderful to see everyone but it made me miss them so much more. For example, a few of my friends are pregnant and it makes me sad I am not there to support them and cuddle their babies. It makes me sad that the thought of children has to stay far in the back of my mind till this alien disease leaves me. I also struggled during my week in Kansas City because I didn't feel like myself and I didn't feel pretty. All the confidence I have been holding on to through this whole thing seemed to crumble a little bit while being home. Not because of my friends or my family making me feel less confident (it was actually the opposite) but because I had completed chemotherapy yet everything about me still reflects my struggle through my treatments. I know my hair won't instantly grow back and my energy will slowly come back but knowing I am done with chemo and not seeing the results or feeling like myself again is really taking a toll on me. I don't feel pretty in anything I wear and I am REALLY sick of trying to match outfits with hats. Ugh...cancer problems. Hahaha! I am sure I will get over it and as I see myself return to "normal" I will calm down, otherwise, I may resort to some anxiety medicine.
As I say "normal" in the text above I chuckle because I know I will never be normal again. My normal will become a reflection of this time in my life. I will walk around with scars and various permanent side effects barring a constant reminder of the trials this year has put me through. I need to find peace in those changes and know if they do define me it will only be in positive light. As I said earlier saying this is easier than actually doing it. Time heals all wounds and only time will tell how I handle my future. The future all these crappy treatments are giving me. Thank you crappy treatments!
Now for the tough news. The week before I left for vacation I met with my breast surgeon and this week I met with my plastic surgeon and oncologist to talk about my upcoming surgery. On January 29th I will have a double mastectomy. During my surgery they will do a skin sparring surgery by taking all tissue up to my chest wall from both breasts but leaving the skin. They will also remove a sack of lymph nodes under my armpit and place expanders in both breast to stretch my skin after the surgery for reconstruction at a later date. I will have three drains in after my surgery to get excess fluid out so I will heal properly. After my drains are removed I will have to go in once a week or biweekly to get my expanders (pockets inserted under my chest muscles) filled with saline solution. They are like temporary implants to keep my skin stretched and viable for reconstruction later. I have been told by my surgeon that filling the expanders will be quicker than usual so I can continue my treatments faster. Filling quickly will cause extreme pain (so I am told) and I may not be able to work during this time because I will be on narcotics and/or muscle relaxers. This whole stage will take about 6 weeks before I can move on to the next phase. During my recovery my mom will come down and help Daniel and I with daily activities that I will not be able to perform. I can't wait t see her. I miss her already!
It doesn't stop there. Shortly after my surgery I will receive a pathology report which will tell my exactly what type of cancer I have, how much I have, whether it is invasive or slow growing or both, how much cancer they got out and what the next step will be. At first I did not think this information would be necessary for me to know. I mean, I know from my last MRI that my cancer did not respond to the chemotherapy as much as they had hoped it would. I knew going into my surgery that they would still find a lot of cancer but today my oncologist told me news that really depends on what they find on my report. When I met with my oncologist today we discussed my MRI, my current health (side effects still lingering) and my future treatments. She first asked me about my current side effects. Currently I am experiencing swelling, weight gain (up 20lbs since this summer), sensitivity from my fingernails hemorrhaging, and constant peripheral neuropathy. She told me I need to start exercising (even if just walking on a tread mill will counter the weight gain the steroids have caused), my hair will grow back within 3 months and it is unknown if the neuropathy will ever go away. Again only time will tell because time heals all wounds. Then we discussed my MRI. As I mentioned earlier my cancer did not respond as well as she had hoped it would to the chemotherapy. She believes I have two types of cancer in my breast, invasive (fast growing) and non-invasive (slow growing). The invasive cancer responds best to the chemotherapy but the non-invasive doesn't replicate as fast therefore, doesn't die as fast. So where does this put me?
When I first met with my oncologist, surgeon and radiologist they gave me a set path for my treatments. Chemotherapy (4-5 months) followed by surgery (2 months) then radiation (2-3 months) and I would be cancer free and done. Man am I naïve. I have learned through this process the word "it all depends" is a logical answer. My path to being cancer free all depends on my progress. There is NO set path to karate chopping cancer. It all depends on how I respond. With that being said today I found out from my oncologist that after my surgery I will most likely have to continue chemotherapy for at least 4-5 months. It all depends on my pathology report but she said from looking at my MRI chances are high that chemo will again be in my immediate future. This time it will be a different type of chemotherapy. It will be a three medicine regimen, one will be a pill taken weekly, and the other two will be a infusion two weeks in a row and then a week off. My oncologist said the time frame for this treatment will be at least 4-5 months but it could extend for much longer (some patients years) depending on my response to it and my blood count. I can only hope for the best and again time will tell. Surprisingly when I was delivered this news I did not cry; maybe I am still in shock, maybe I am waiting for a final word, or maybe my strength and confidence is coming back. I will let it sink in a few days and let you know which one it really is.
After my oncologist discussed this new chemotherapy treatment she told me it may postpone my radiation. She said it all depends on how my body responds on whether I can do radiation simultaneously or if I have to wait till after chemo is over. My radiation timeline affects my reconstructive surgery timeline. I cannot have reconstruction till 6 months after my skin heals from radiation. I was also told that my only option for reconstruction would be a DIEP Flap. A DIEP Flap is when they do a tummy tuck and take the fat from my stomach to make new tissue for my breast. Implants are completely out of the picture because of the placement of my radiation my skin will not be viable enough for an implant. I am unsure how I feel about this reconstruction but I have lots of time to think about it since it won't even happen until next spring at the earliest. This new treatment plan has also changed personal plans I have longed for. I have known since the beginning that once I am done with all my treatments I will have to start a drug called Tamoxifen which I will have to take for ten years. While on the drug I can not have children because it suppresses the estrogen in my body so the cells that make cancer are blocked. Well now that I have to potentially have this new chemotherapy treatment that pushes my Tamoxifen start date to a later time. I know all of these drugs are extending my life by helping me become cancer free but it is also taking time from me to do some things I want to do (i.e. have children). This is extremely upsetting but I know it will all work out. I value my life and that is what I need to focus on now otherwise nothing else could happen.
With the phrase "it all depends" lingering, my proposed timeline for finishing ALL treatments as of right now (minus the ten year Tamoxifen) is at least another year. So this whole process before I can start thinking about remission looks to be about two years, but again it all depends. This crummy job of cancer looks like it needs me to keep working a little longer. I am such a great employee it can't survive without me. Time heals all wounds. I will continue to be strong and karate chop the shit out of this alien disease during that time.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Man vs. Cancer
The other night I was watching "Man vs. Food" on the Food Network astonished by how much food the host can eat. He starts his day by eating two or three famous and delicious looking meals followed by some outrageous challenge where he has to eat a large portion of his body weight in more delicious food. The host always starts out strong and eating through at least half of the desired amount as the crowd cheers him on in excitement. Then about a third or half of the way through the plate he hits a wall. The wall of panic. Will he finish or won't he? How can he re-strategize to complete this task and be victorious? Sweat pours down his face as he makes each and every move after that point. I enjoy making humorous analogies of my cancer and this is another to ease my stress. Instead of mounds of food and a New Yorker as the host it is mounds of cancer and a Missourian dooking it out. MAN (woman) VS. CANCER! I am a third of the way through it and it has gone by so easy, but I still have so much further to go and I haven't even hit my wall. This scares me a bit.
"Time out!" As a kid I used to use those exact words so I could dodge the impending doom of being tagged in a game of hide and seek or chase. Using those two words would allow my anxiety and stress to just release for a moment while I recollected my thoughts and strategies to continue the game. As I am winding down in my chemotherapy countdown I am anxiously awaiting my "time out." The moment when I can say I am done with phase one and can regroup before phase two of this three phase year. The past four months have flown by so incredibly fast that I haven't really even begun to think about phase two of this whole alien-disease annihilation. The chemotherapy has been tough on me physically and emotionally but I was prepared. I knew it would be hard and going in with that mentality actually made it much easier to handle. It is like when you plan ahead so far and you feel so comfortable and excited to be "ahead" but then slowly real-time creeps up on you and you no longer have that buffer of planning or time. Now you are in present time and you need to use the "time out" before you self-destruct. My "time-out" is coming up and I need to get my ducks in order so I can figure out my next move: phase 2 surgery.
As most of you know I have 2 more chemotherapy appointments left. After my last one on December 12 (Thursday) I have an appointment that same day with my surgeon. During this appointment I am hoping to get some insight on what day I will have surgery (early January) and what my options for surgery will be. I have thought long and hard about some of the options I know I am afforded in this decision making process and others I am just as confused as I was the day I first spoke with my surgeon months ago. My head is spinning with various questions and paths I am curious about when it comes to this surgery. I have spoke to numerous cancer survivors in my months leading up to this and it seems like every person has a different outcome, a different pathway to being cancer-free and I am not sure which one will fit me best. I know for a fact that I want to have a double mastectomy. For some women this decision is a hard one, but for me the shear thought of getting cancer in my other breast at a later date is something I cannot handle. I do not care if the odds are low; if they are taking one they might as well take the other. Less worry and stress later on in life! Now I know emotionally that may come back in bite me in the butt because maybe I will feel less feminine or more insecure, but I will constantly remind myself NOTHING is more feminine or secure than karate chopping cancer and being a survivor. The double mastectomy is an easy decision. It is the reconstruction decisions after where I struggle. Which path do I take? How long will the recovery be? How will I look? How will I feel? I said earlier I was prepared for the chemotherapy. I have learned a lot about the effects of chemotherapy from going through it but then it all ends. Everything goes back to normal. With my surgery the decisions I make and the process of going through it is permanent. I have to live with it. Am I ready for those decisions? Have I really thought through them as much as I can? The chemotherapy was tough and it is the word most people shutter at when they hear cancer but I am not sure I feel the same way. This surgery scares me more. After my December 12th appointment I have about a month of "time out" to regroup and restrategize for my surgery. During that time I get to spend it with the people I love in Kansas City. I am sure it will all come together.
An update on my current physical and emotional status:
I have completed 14 chemotherapy treatments (4 A/C and 10 Taxol). I feel pretty weak but extremely positive. I am still experiencing joint and back pains, extreme nose bleeds (2-3 times a day), neuropathy in the fingers, my fingernails are dead and trying to fall off (gross), bloating from the Taxol, dry eyes from the Taxol, hot flashes from the Lupron and the constant lingering metal taste in my mouth regardless of what I eat or drink (worst taste ever). The last 10 treatments were easier than the first 4 but the side effects do not go away between each one. It has become an everyday, every minute occurrence. I just deal with it. Last Friday I had a check-up with my doctor. She scheduled pre-operation scans for December 6th so I know how much my cancer has shrunk going into my surgery. While she was examining me I explained to her a sharp pain and discoloration I have experienced in the location of my mass. She inspected it and thinks it may be an infection from an old biopsy. She has put me on an intense dose of antibiotics for one week to see if it helps. If the pain and discoloration at the site are still present on Friday when I go back in I am supposed to let her know. Hopefully it is nothing serious.
"Time out!" As a kid I used to use those exact words so I could dodge the impending doom of being tagged in a game of hide and seek or chase. Using those two words would allow my anxiety and stress to just release for a moment while I recollected my thoughts and strategies to continue the game. As I am winding down in my chemotherapy countdown I am anxiously awaiting my "time out." The moment when I can say I am done with phase one and can regroup before phase two of this three phase year. The past four months have flown by so incredibly fast that I haven't really even begun to think about phase two of this whole alien-disease annihilation. The chemotherapy has been tough on me physically and emotionally but I was prepared. I knew it would be hard and going in with that mentality actually made it much easier to handle. It is like when you plan ahead so far and you feel so comfortable and excited to be "ahead" but then slowly real-time creeps up on you and you no longer have that buffer of planning or time. Now you are in present time and you need to use the "time out" before you self-destruct. My "time-out" is coming up and I need to get my ducks in order so I can figure out my next move: phase 2 surgery.
As most of you know I have 2 more chemotherapy appointments left. After my last one on December 12 (Thursday) I have an appointment that same day with my surgeon. During this appointment I am hoping to get some insight on what day I will have surgery (early January) and what my options for surgery will be. I have thought long and hard about some of the options I know I am afforded in this decision making process and others I am just as confused as I was the day I first spoke with my surgeon months ago. My head is spinning with various questions and paths I am curious about when it comes to this surgery. I have spoke to numerous cancer survivors in my months leading up to this and it seems like every person has a different outcome, a different pathway to being cancer-free and I am not sure which one will fit me best. I know for a fact that I want to have a double mastectomy. For some women this decision is a hard one, but for me the shear thought of getting cancer in my other breast at a later date is something I cannot handle. I do not care if the odds are low; if they are taking one they might as well take the other. Less worry and stress later on in life! Now I know emotionally that may come back in bite me in the butt because maybe I will feel less feminine or more insecure, but I will constantly remind myself NOTHING is more feminine or secure than karate chopping cancer and being a survivor. The double mastectomy is an easy decision. It is the reconstruction decisions after where I struggle. Which path do I take? How long will the recovery be? How will I look? How will I feel? I said earlier I was prepared for the chemotherapy. I have learned a lot about the effects of chemotherapy from going through it but then it all ends. Everything goes back to normal. With my surgery the decisions I make and the process of going through it is permanent. I have to live with it. Am I ready for those decisions? Have I really thought through them as much as I can? The chemotherapy was tough and it is the word most people shutter at when they hear cancer but I am not sure I feel the same way. This surgery scares me more. After my December 12th appointment I have about a month of "time out" to regroup and restrategize for my surgery. During that time I get to spend it with the people I love in Kansas City. I am sure it will all come together.
An update on my current physical and emotional status:
I have completed 14 chemotherapy treatments (4 A/C and 10 Taxol). I feel pretty weak but extremely positive. I am still experiencing joint and back pains, extreme nose bleeds (2-3 times a day), neuropathy in the fingers, my fingernails are dead and trying to fall off (gross), bloating from the Taxol, dry eyes from the Taxol, hot flashes from the Lupron and the constant lingering metal taste in my mouth regardless of what I eat or drink (worst taste ever). The last 10 treatments were easier than the first 4 but the side effects do not go away between each one. It has become an everyday, every minute occurrence. I just deal with it. Last Friday I had a check-up with my doctor. She scheduled pre-operation scans for December 6th so I know how much my cancer has shrunk going into my surgery. While she was examining me I explained to her a sharp pain and discoloration I have experienced in the location of my mass. She inspected it and thinks it may be an infection from an old biopsy. She has put me on an intense dose of antibiotics for one week to see if it helps. If the pain and discoloration at the site are still present on Friday when I go back in I am supposed to let her know. Hopefully it is nothing serious.
Friday, October 25, 2013
I get by with a little help help from my friends...I am going to try with a little help from my friends
Week 17 is coming to a close and today is Chemo #9 of 16. Before I go into my play by play recap of the last few weeks I think it is only fitting to make you watch/listen to the song that summarizes this post. Take a moment and enjoy!
Since my last post at the beginning of this month my spirits have been high and so has my health. There was a scare the first few weeks of my Taxol that my Hematocrit levels were getting too low and I would have to really think about getting a blood transfusion but as of last Friday (cross my fingers nothing has changed in the last week) my numbers were going up into the "healthy" range. With Taxol my eating habits have gone back to normal which I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing because I LOVE food so much. I have put on most of my weight that I lost with the A/C chemo but it is hard to know if that is just the water weight from the Taxol or me actually eating my way through the refrigerator. Either way it makes me feel good and happy. Another positive note that all my lady friends will be jealous of is I have not had to shave my legs in 3 weeks. The Taxol continues what the A/C chemo started and the rest of my body hair is falling out. There are pros and cons to this but I won't go into detail. I am still having serious hot flashes that are keeping my up on a regular basis and sadly punishing my students in my classroom because I have to keep my windows open all the time. It is like clock work. I will have a hot flash for ten minutes then be fine for about 20 minutes and then have another hot flash. My infusion nurse a few weeks ago told me the hot flashes are caused from the Lupron shot I am getting that is supposed to protect my eggs/ovaries but the side effect was only supposed to last 2 weeks not 4 weeks as it has. And I am screwed because I have to have another Lupron shot this week (every 4 weeks) so it will start full force all over again. It is a joke in the Science Department at my school. We call it cancerpause instead of menopause. Whenever I hear the word cancerpause it really just makes me chuckle because I picture cats with hospital face masks pawing at me. Weird visual I know but it gets me through this annoying side effect. My oncologist prescribed me some menopause medication this morning so I am hoping that is does the trick and disarms the cancerpause.The last side effect that is now in full force is the peripheral neuropathy. Everything I said before about it being bad was nothing compared to what I am experiencing now. I have lost complete feeling of my fingertips. Typing right now is actually proving to be quite difficult. It started a little over a week ago and just spread like wild fire to all my fingers. The sensation I feel all day every day is like when you smash your finger nail in a door and it is a numb/painful sensation. It is not fun at all. I am having trouble opening doors, food items, peeling oranges (I am on a orange kick right now), typing, and just really functioning normal in general. In fact two funny/mortifying examples of my neuropathy getting the best of me are as follows: Last week I was stamping my students' papers for completion with this awesome stamp I have (quotes things like "that warrants a fist pump") and I thought I had a good grip on the stamp but really was hardly holding it. As I pressed down on one student's paper the stamp flew out of my hand and rolled down his shirt. Luckily he was wearing a darker colored shirt, otherwise he would have had "that warrants a fist pump" all the way down his chest. I felt so bad! So bad! He was super sweet though and let me know it was no big deal as I was trying to explain to him why it had happened. The second time the neuropathy got the best of me is when I was walking my dogs and I thought I had a good grip on Newton's leash (my large weimaraner) when I didn't. Luckily I noticed shortly before he did that I wasn't actually holding his leash at all and I grabbed it avoiding a serious possibly dog fatal catastrophe. My doctor told me this side effect would happen and I have been taking my Glutamine powder with chocolate milk three times a day so it won't be permanent. Glutamine powder in chocolate milk makes me think of Ovaltine "Don't shoot your eye out" which is how I feel...scratch that...don't feel on a daily basis. Again I got to make jokes to make it worth it. Besides those two side effects, the continuous heartburn and the daily fatigue I feel amazing (that part isn't a joke).
Now to get to the point of the awesome music video at the beginning. The past few weeks have been extremely overwhelming. I mentioned this in my last blog but my mind is flooded with so many different emotions it is hard to decide which one I am actually projecting anymore. Sometimes I cry but I don't really know if I am crying because I was dealt a crappy hand or if I am happy because I know I am loved. Lately, however, the happy emotions seem to extremely outweigh the self pity emotions. About a month ago Eastlake High School (the school I teach at) started a fundraiser to help me with my medical bills and also promote awareness for breast cancer. At first the fundraiser started out small and was just the girls swim team selling t-shirts to their families and having a weekend car wash, but my swim team family is absolutely amazing and they just were not satisfied with stopping there. Some of my girls went door to door asking their neighbors to donate and the whole swim team started selling pink shirts to faculty and the rest of the student body. Pretty soon pink exploded all over the halls of my school and kids, parents and faculty were bringing me lunches and gifts to show me they loved me. The fundraiser became such a success that the Leadership class decided to have a pink out Friday with a pep assembly to promote breast cancer awareness and celebrate how amazing all the students and faculty are at supporting one of their own. Unfortunately the pep assembly was on a Friday and I was stuck in a hospital bed getting a transfusion but they sent me a video to show me how much they love me. Some of you may have seen it but it is worth watching again. Every day since I received this video whenever I am feeling down or alone I watch this video and it instantly fills me with warmth and happiness. It is a very powerful thing and I could not be happier being part of this community!
Another overwhelmingly happy moment that occurred the past few weeks was back home in Kansas City. A few friends of mine decided to hold a benefit concert, to again, help me pay for my medical expenses. They had live music, a silent auction, a pizza buffet, specialty drinks, and a raffle to come up with funds to support me. They hosted the benefit at a local bar run by a wonderful couple I went to high school with. I got the privilege to Face Time with my mom during the benefit and the outpouring amount of love and support was truly incredible. There were so many people there, some I haven't even seen in over a decade. As my sister was parading her phone around so I could say hello to everyone tears were streaming down my face. They were happy tears and sad tears because I wanted more than anything to be there. Again it is the big things like this that get me through each week and excited as I check off each and every chemo appointment. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! It is nice to have a little help from my friends...
This week I went back and read some of my old posts just as a reassurance to myself that I have come a long way. In the beginning posts I was still "healthy" or should I say not chemo infused and I was active and having some fun. I feel like since school/chemo started all the fun has been sucked out of me. I have not had the opportunity or the strength to go out and do the things I want to do. I live in an incredible city and the thought of walking two blocks to a restaurant frightens me. I am getting cabin fever sitting in my 500 square foot studio apartment each and everyday but I know once this is over I will probably be more active then I have ever been. A couple weeks ago my sister came in town and I wanted more than anything to show her the city (my mission is to convince anyone and everyone to move to Seattle). On Thursday and Friday of that week we stuck around the house and played Phase 10 (my favorite game) and watched movies. On Saturday, I decided I had this burst of energy and I wanted to get out of the house and show her the area. I knew I couldn't walk far so I decided to drive her and Daniel out to Woodinville to the Red Hook Brewery for some lunch, a brewery tour and some drinks (for them not me). We had an awesome time and a couple friends from my work actually came out and joined us which ended up turning into an all day event. It was a blast and I felt great the whole time! On Sunday, we headed to Fremont (Carly's next place of residence) to go to the Farmer's Market. Before I was diagnosed I worked at a restaurant/bar in Fremont and on Sunday's would always be so jealous of everyone who got to go to the market because I could see it but always had to work during it. We started the day going to lunch at my old place of business, which was nice because I got to say hello to everyone, followed by treasure searching at the Farmer's Market. Once we finished at the Farmer's Market we headed to Gas Works Park for some LARP (live action role playing) watching and incredible views. It was really fun and I think I convinced Carly just a little bit more to move to Seattle. At the end of the day, though, I was beyond exhausted and I think all the exertion I put into the week caught up with me. I ended up being couch confined the rest of the evening as Daniel and Carly explored a little more. So again, it goes back to the idea of how just being a little active scares the crap out of me.
Last update for this blog: today my oncologist told me I get to go home for Christmas. Daniel and I are hoping to come home December 20-26th (flights permitted). I am so excited to see all of you who have been following my journey and reached out to me when I was at my lowest. In the next few weeks my surgeon will be calling me to start looking into scheduling a time frame for my surgery. They project it will be within the first few weeks after the holidays. Time for me to start doing some research on my options.
P.S. Not sure if I said this already but I am totally going as Walter White for Halloween. It is only fitting! Daniel and I are hoping to go costume shopping this weekend.
Since my last post at the beginning of this month my spirits have been high and so has my health. There was a scare the first few weeks of my Taxol that my Hematocrit levels were getting too low and I would have to really think about getting a blood transfusion but as of last Friday (cross my fingers nothing has changed in the last week) my numbers were going up into the "healthy" range. With Taxol my eating habits have gone back to normal which I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing because I LOVE food so much. I have put on most of my weight that I lost with the A/C chemo but it is hard to know if that is just the water weight from the Taxol or me actually eating my way through the refrigerator. Either way it makes me feel good and happy. Another positive note that all my lady friends will be jealous of is I have not had to shave my legs in 3 weeks. The Taxol continues what the A/C chemo started and the rest of my body hair is falling out. There are pros and cons to this but I won't go into detail. I am still having serious hot flashes that are keeping my up on a regular basis and sadly punishing my students in my classroom because I have to keep my windows open all the time. It is like clock work. I will have a hot flash for ten minutes then be fine for about 20 minutes and then have another hot flash. My infusion nurse a few weeks ago told me the hot flashes are caused from the Lupron shot I am getting that is supposed to protect my eggs/ovaries but the side effect was only supposed to last 2 weeks not 4 weeks as it has. And I am screwed because I have to have another Lupron shot this week (every 4 weeks) so it will start full force all over again. It is a joke in the Science Department at my school. We call it cancerpause instead of menopause. Whenever I hear the word cancerpause it really just makes me chuckle because I picture cats with hospital face masks pawing at me. Weird visual I know but it gets me through this annoying side effect. My oncologist prescribed me some menopause medication this morning so I am hoping that is does the trick and disarms the cancerpause.The last side effect that is now in full force is the peripheral neuropathy. Everything I said before about it being bad was nothing compared to what I am experiencing now. I have lost complete feeling of my fingertips. Typing right now is actually proving to be quite difficult. It started a little over a week ago and just spread like wild fire to all my fingers. The sensation I feel all day every day is like when you smash your finger nail in a door and it is a numb/painful sensation. It is not fun at all. I am having trouble opening doors, food items, peeling oranges (I am on a orange kick right now), typing, and just really functioning normal in general. In fact two funny/mortifying examples of my neuropathy getting the best of me are as follows: Last week I was stamping my students' papers for completion with this awesome stamp I have (quotes things like "that warrants a fist pump") and I thought I had a good grip on the stamp but really was hardly holding it. As I pressed down on one student's paper the stamp flew out of my hand and rolled down his shirt. Luckily he was wearing a darker colored shirt, otherwise he would have had "that warrants a fist pump" all the way down his chest. I felt so bad! So bad! He was super sweet though and let me know it was no big deal as I was trying to explain to him why it had happened. The second time the neuropathy got the best of me is when I was walking my dogs and I thought I had a good grip on Newton's leash (my large weimaraner) when I didn't. Luckily I noticed shortly before he did that I wasn't actually holding his leash at all and I grabbed it avoiding a serious possibly dog fatal catastrophe. My doctor told me this side effect would happen and I have been taking my Glutamine powder with chocolate milk three times a day so it won't be permanent. Glutamine powder in chocolate milk makes me think of Ovaltine "Don't shoot your eye out" which is how I feel...scratch that...don't feel on a daily basis. Again I got to make jokes to make it worth it. Besides those two side effects, the continuous heartburn and the daily fatigue I feel amazing (that part isn't a joke).
Now to get to the point of the awesome music video at the beginning. The past few weeks have been extremely overwhelming. I mentioned this in my last blog but my mind is flooded with so many different emotions it is hard to decide which one I am actually projecting anymore. Sometimes I cry but I don't really know if I am crying because I was dealt a crappy hand or if I am happy because I know I am loved. Lately, however, the happy emotions seem to extremely outweigh the self pity emotions. About a month ago Eastlake High School (the school I teach at) started a fundraiser to help me with my medical bills and also promote awareness for breast cancer. At first the fundraiser started out small and was just the girls swim team selling t-shirts to their families and having a weekend car wash, but my swim team family is absolutely amazing and they just were not satisfied with stopping there. Some of my girls went door to door asking their neighbors to donate and the whole swim team started selling pink shirts to faculty and the rest of the student body. Pretty soon pink exploded all over the halls of my school and kids, parents and faculty were bringing me lunches and gifts to show me they loved me. The fundraiser became such a success that the Leadership class decided to have a pink out Friday with a pep assembly to promote breast cancer awareness and celebrate how amazing all the students and faculty are at supporting one of their own. Unfortunately the pep assembly was on a Friday and I was stuck in a hospital bed getting a transfusion but they sent me a video to show me how much they love me. Some of you may have seen it but it is worth watching again. Every day since I received this video whenever I am feeling down or alone I watch this video and it instantly fills me with warmth and happiness. It is a very powerful thing and I could not be happier being part of this community!
This week I went back and read some of my old posts just as a reassurance to myself that I have come a long way. In the beginning posts I was still "healthy" or should I say not chemo infused and I was active and having some fun. I feel like since school/chemo started all the fun has been sucked out of me. I have not had the opportunity or the strength to go out and do the things I want to do. I live in an incredible city and the thought of walking two blocks to a restaurant frightens me. I am getting cabin fever sitting in my 500 square foot studio apartment each and everyday but I know once this is over I will probably be more active then I have ever been. A couple weeks ago my sister came in town and I wanted more than anything to show her the city (my mission is to convince anyone and everyone to move to Seattle). On Thursday and Friday of that week we stuck around the house and played Phase 10 (my favorite game) and watched movies. On Saturday, I decided I had this burst of energy and I wanted to get out of the house and show her the area. I knew I couldn't walk far so I decided to drive her and Daniel out to Woodinville to the Red Hook Brewery for some lunch, a brewery tour and some drinks (for them not me). We had an awesome time and a couple friends from my work actually came out and joined us which ended up turning into an all day event. It was a blast and I felt great the whole time! On Sunday, we headed to Fremont (Carly's next place of residence) to go to the Farmer's Market. Before I was diagnosed I worked at a restaurant/bar in Fremont and on Sunday's would always be so jealous of everyone who got to go to the market because I could see it but always had to work during it. We started the day going to lunch at my old place of business, which was nice because I got to say hello to everyone, followed by treasure searching at the Farmer's Market. Once we finished at the Farmer's Market we headed to Gas Works Park for some LARP (live action role playing) watching and incredible views. It was really fun and I think I convinced Carly just a little bit more to move to Seattle. At the end of the day, though, I was beyond exhausted and I think all the exertion I put into the week caught up with me. I ended up being couch confined the rest of the evening as Daniel and Carly explored a little more. So again, it goes back to the idea of how just being a little active scares the crap out of me.
Last update for this blog: today my oncologist told me I get to go home for Christmas. Daniel and I are hoping to come home December 20-26th (flights permitted). I am so excited to see all of you who have been following my journey and reached out to me when I was at my lowest. In the next few weeks my surgeon will be calling me to start looking into scheduling a time frame for my surgery. They project it will be within the first few weeks after the holidays. Time for me to start doing some research on my options.
P.S. Not sure if I said this already but I am totally going as Walter White for Halloween. It is only fitting! Daniel and I are hoping to go costume shopping this weekend.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Full time cancer and full time teaching don't mix
Yet again it has been a while since my last post. Between school starting, coaching swimming and battling cancer I feel like I have three full time jobs. Needless to say when I do have a moment to breathe I am trying to play catch up on what I missed the day before. That or I am sleeping. But for those who have been worried I am alive and working on the getting well for the most part. The past month has been a whirlwind of side effects and sicknesses. This is the first week I feel like myself again (or as much as I can with chemo pumping through me). My last blog I left off talking about how my biggest challenge coming up would be surviving the first day of school. Well I am here to tell you that was a success. However, a very short lived success. The beginning of the school year is always one giant cloud of germs and dust as most teachers will attest. Students are coming in from the outside world bringing in a variety of different germs combined with the dust that settled in my classroom over the summer and Seattle summer turning to rain. I knew I would eventually be doomed in the wellness department it was just a matter of when. Well after surviving the first week of school (yet getting sicker by the day) I ended up having to go to the hospital on that Saturday. I woke up Saturday, September 6th feeling terrible. I had terrible sinus pressure and a cough that took my breath away. I took my temperature throughout the day and slowly watched it creep up to 101.4 Farenheit. Now I know that seems very high to wait that long to go to a doctor but according to my chemotherapy information there is not much they can do until my fever spikes above 101 Farenheit. Once it reaches this temperature it is considered an infection and can be life threatening. Silly huh? Why wait till that point? Any way once my fever spiked I called SCCA and let them know my symptoms and temperature. They immediately referred me to University of Washington Hospital Emergency Room. This put a huge damper on my plans. I had hoped to go to a concert that night that Daniel and I were looking forward to. Damn chemo! Once I got to the hospital they admitted me, took x-ray scans of my chest and started me on a slew of antibiotics. One thing I hate about hospitals is they don't ever consider how hungry you are when you are there. That feeling (because I did not have time to eat dinner or eat at all that day) mixed with all the antibiotics made me feel worse than when I walked into the ER. After I got my scans back they determined I had pneumonia. To be safe they admitted me for the night in the cancer ward to pump me full of more antibiotics; none however, made me feel any better. After I was admitted I was assigned a resident doctor to oversee me through the night. She checked all my blood counts and sheepishly decided that I needed a blood transfusion in the morning. This all seemed ridiculous to me. How can a sinus infection result in all this? I was hesitant but I assumed this nervous resident knew more than I did and if she thought this was the best solution than so be it. After a sleepless night in the hospital and some vomiting from the antibiotics an attending doctor came in and decided I did not need the transfusion after all. My blood counts were low but I had no other major symptoms that made them assume I needed a tranfusion. In fact, he decided I could be discharged that morning, given oral antibiotics to take home and be on my way. This overnight vacation seemed like a hefty bill for really no solution to my pain. I still left feeling just as bad as I went in. The only positive was I did not have a fever any more.
After my awesome visit to the hospital I had a week till my next chemotherapy appointment. Let me restate that...My LAST Red Devil Chemo appointment. I still felt terrible but I wanted to get it over with. I some how made it through the week and my blood levels were high enough so that Friday it was a successful transfusion. My doctor also prescribed me a more potent antibiotic hoping it would clear my infection/pneumonia faster since the antibiotics the hospital gave me weren't cutting it. These antibiotics were that week's downfall!
That week after my last dense dose chemo was the worst week of all this adventure. Not only was the side effects of the chemo in full force but so was the side effects of the antibiotics mixed with my cough. So that week I suffered severe diarrhea, dehydration, and manic coughing on top of all the fatigue and nausea. I was so weak I thought for sure by Wednesday I would pass out driving home from work. I couldn't make it through the day without breaking out in tears in front of my coworkers and students. It was terrible but after attempting to make it through the day on Wednesday at school I left early and went straight to SCCA. There I spoke with my nurse, got another chest x-ray and they prescribed me a new cough medicine. That night I went home and slept for 3 days straight. I had hoped through all of this I wouldn't miss school for random sick days because if I did I would feel bad for my students but my body told me I needed to rest NOW so I did and boy did it help!
Flash forward a week later to this past Friday, I know this is a huge time lapse, but I started my low dose Taxol chemotherapy. This chemotherapy will be every Friday for the next twelve weeks. Yay (vomit)! I no longer have to get a Nuelasta shot on Saturdays to boost my white blood cell count (yay no more aches and pains in my bones) but this does mean I have to be extra cautious of my health. I am praying I stay healthy throughout this fall so I do not have to miss a chemo appointment. Right now I am scheduled to end chemo on December 13th. If I miss one appointment at all it will bump into Christmas break and I may not get to go home. Cross my fingers this doesn't happen. When I went in on Friday for my chemo appointment it went the same as all the others. I first had a blood draw (my counts were high enough to proceed), followed by a visit with my oncologist and then my transfusion. My doctor told me my mass is getting smaller. I can still feel it deep in my tissue but I really have to dig for it. After she did my physical exam she discussed all the side effects Taxol has. The effects are less severe than the A/C (Red Devil) but over time (12 consecutive weeks) can get worse. They are as follows: fatigue (but not as bad- I was up and moving on Monday which is unusual), extreme heartburn (still one of the worst side effects), constipation (terrible- don't EVER take pooping for granted) :) hot flashes (these are really bad right now and I haven't slept in days), and last but not least peripheral neuropathy. Peripheral neuropathy is bad. My oncologist said that with Taxol I could lose feeling in my hands and feet and if I do not monitor it, and it will become permanent. She told me in order to help prevent complete loss of feeling in my hands and feet it I needed to buy Glutamine powder and take it three times a day in yogurt or hot tea. Yesterday I went to a supplement store purchased this powder and started taking it today. It is quite disgusting but beats losing feeling in my extremities. I got my armor on and I am still fighting strong.
So this sums up the past month. Now to discuss how I feel emotionally. This month has been the hardest yet. With being sick, missing family, getting more and more medical bills I am overwhelmed with emotions. Yet I keep pushing. I keep telling myself it could be worse. I keep telling myself so many people are looking up to me to put on a brave face and push through, and I have. I know I have the right to cry, and believe me I have, but something inside of me tells me it is not worth it. I am alive. I have the most AMAZING friends and family in my life that have kept me going. I feel stronger every day because of them. It kills me inside that I will never be able to repay these people who have had such an impact on me the last few months. It is another thing I will never again take for granted. You have reignited my flame (thanks Sarah for the reference). This feeling alone is overwhelming, but a happy overwhelming. I spoke with my mother today about how I wish I could pay back everyone who has been so incredibly amazing to me in this time and she told me nobody expects pay back but I can always pay it forward. I want more than anything to pay it forward and one day I will. This experience has changed me more than I really think I can comprehend. It brings me to tears thinking about how all the positives have truly outweighed the negatives. I am hundreds of miles away from my family but the love I feel from everyone makes me feel like I am right at home and not at one moment alone in this fight. Friends I lost touch with, family I haven't seen in forever, or even met before are reaching out to keep me positive. Many people have said I have changed them for the better but they have no idea how much they have changed me. Thank you all so much!
I have eleven weeks left of chemotherapy and I am assuming (let's hope I am right) that it can only get easier from there. I mean a new set of boobs (ha ha) and a potential tummy tuck to make them beats heartburn, nausea, fatigue, constipation and just overall feeling crappy right? Phase one of this year long job is almost over with. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I feel like I cannot run fast enough to get there, but I promise myself and my family I will be sprinting and karate chopping the whole way. I value my life and I am strong. Cancer picked the wrong person. Anyone who knows me knows I am a work-a-holic so three intense jobs, like I have right now, is a breeze.
P.S. Fun Fact: My nurse told me the other day my nose will probably run on a regular basis because since I have lost most of my body hair that includes nose hair too. Weird huh? Because I have no hair in my nose I can't stop the snot from running. Haha I found it fascinating. Also below is a picture of my new bald head. All I have now is baby hair that doesn't fall out because of its follicles.
After my awesome visit to the hospital I had a week till my next chemotherapy appointment. Let me restate that...My LAST Red Devil Chemo appointment. I still felt terrible but I wanted to get it over with. I some how made it through the week and my blood levels were high enough so that Friday it was a successful transfusion. My doctor also prescribed me a more potent antibiotic hoping it would clear my infection/pneumonia faster since the antibiotics the hospital gave me weren't cutting it. These antibiotics were that week's downfall!
That week after my last dense dose chemo was the worst week of all this adventure. Not only was the side effects of the chemo in full force but so was the side effects of the antibiotics mixed with my cough. So that week I suffered severe diarrhea, dehydration, and manic coughing on top of all the fatigue and nausea. I was so weak I thought for sure by Wednesday I would pass out driving home from work. I couldn't make it through the day without breaking out in tears in front of my coworkers and students. It was terrible but after attempting to make it through the day on Wednesday at school I left early and went straight to SCCA. There I spoke with my nurse, got another chest x-ray and they prescribed me a new cough medicine. That night I went home and slept for 3 days straight. I had hoped through all of this I wouldn't miss school for random sick days because if I did I would feel bad for my students but my body told me I needed to rest NOW so I did and boy did it help!
Flash forward a week later to this past Friday, I know this is a huge time lapse, but I started my low dose Taxol chemotherapy. This chemotherapy will be every Friday for the next twelve weeks. Yay (vomit)! I no longer have to get a Nuelasta shot on Saturdays to boost my white blood cell count (yay no more aches and pains in my bones) but this does mean I have to be extra cautious of my health. I am praying I stay healthy throughout this fall so I do not have to miss a chemo appointment. Right now I am scheduled to end chemo on December 13th. If I miss one appointment at all it will bump into Christmas break and I may not get to go home. Cross my fingers this doesn't happen. When I went in on Friday for my chemo appointment it went the same as all the others. I first had a blood draw (my counts were high enough to proceed), followed by a visit with my oncologist and then my transfusion. My doctor told me my mass is getting smaller. I can still feel it deep in my tissue but I really have to dig for it. After she did my physical exam she discussed all the side effects Taxol has. The effects are less severe than the A/C (Red Devil) but over time (12 consecutive weeks) can get worse. They are as follows: fatigue (but not as bad- I was up and moving on Monday which is unusual), extreme heartburn (still one of the worst side effects), constipation (terrible- don't EVER take pooping for granted) :) hot flashes (these are really bad right now and I haven't slept in days), and last but not least peripheral neuropathy. Peripheral neuropathy is bad. My oncologist said that with Taxol I could lose feeling in my hands and feet and if I do not monitor it, and it will become permanent. She told me in order to help prevent complete loss of feeling in my hands and feet it I needed to buy Glutamine powder and take it three times a day in yogurt or hot tea. Yesterday I went to a supplement store purchased this powder and started taking it today. It is quite disgusting but beats losing feeling in my extremities. I got my armor on and I am still fighting strong.
So this sums up the past month. Now to discuss how I feel emotionally. This month has been the hardest yet. With being sick, missing family, getting more and more medical bills I am overwhelmed with emotions. Yet I keep pushing. I keep telling myself it could be worse. I keep telling myself so many people are looking up to me to put on a brave face and push through, and I have. I know I have the right to cry, and believe me I have, but something inside of me tells me it is not worth it. I am alive. I have the most AMAZING friends and family in my life that have kept me going. I feel stronger every day because of them. It kills me inside that I will never be able to repay these people who have had such an impact on me the last few months. It is another thing I will never again take for granted. You have reignited my flame (thanks Sarah for the reference). This feeling alone is overwhelming, but a happy overwhelming. I spoke with my mother today about how I wish I could pay back everyone who has been so incredibly amazing to me in this time and she told me nobody expects pay back but I can always pay it forward. I want more than anything to pay it forward and one day I will. This experience has changed me more than I really think I can comprehend. It brings me to tears thinking about how all the positives have truly outweighed the negatives. I am hundreds of miles away from my family but the love I feel from everyone makes me feel like I am right at home and not at one moment alone in this fight. Friends I lost touch with, family I haven't seen in forever, or even met before are reaching out to keep me positive. Many people have said I have changed them for the better but they have no idea how much they have changed me. Thank you all so much!
I have eleven weeks left of chemotherapy and I am assuming (let's hope I am right) that it can only get easier from there. I mean a new set of boobs (ha ha) and a potential tummy tuck to make them beats heartburn, nausea, fatigue, constipation and just overall feeling crappy right? Phase one of this year long job is almost over with. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I feel like I cannot run fast enough to get there, but I promise myself and my family I will be sprinting and karate chopping the whole way. I value my life and I am strong. Cancer picked the wrong person. Anyone who knows me knows I am a work-a-holic so three intense jobs, like I have right now, is a breeze.
P.S. Fun Fact: My nurse told me the other day my nose will probably run on a regular basis because since I have lost most of my body hair that includes nose hair too. Weird huh? Because I have no hair in my nose I can't stop the snot from running. Haha I found it fascinating. Also below is a picture of my new bald head. All I have now is baby hair that doesn't fall out because of its follicles.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
I may just be the cowardly lion
Sorry for the long hiatus but between barely being able to lift my finger for a week after chemo to starting school meetings this week and Comcast being the evil dictator I haven't been able to find the time to get a working computer to write my entry. So now I sit here after school about to head to a benefits meeting (to hopefully change my insurance) writing all the emotions I have had bottled up in my head for the past few weeks. I am not going to go into lengthy detail about each and every day from the past two week but I do want to explain emotionally and physically how I have felt these weeks. I started this blog mainly to inform my friends and family about my progress and educate them on the "behind the scenes" of cancer and all the lovely baggage it comes with but as I have delved into this blog more and more I am starting to think of it more as therapeutic and also a nice reflection for me to look back on in a year and hopefully laugh about it all. I mean really...I have the WORST luck!
As most of you know my second round of chemotherapy fell on my 28th birthday this year. As I get older birthdays seems to be less relevant and more depressing. Who wants to celebrate getting old and wrinkly? Not me. So I didn't mind so much when this round fell on this special day. On that day Daniel and a great new friend of mine Alicia came with me to my appointments. First, as usual, was the blood draw. My white blood cell count was excellent which means my chemo was a go for the day. Second I went to my oncologist appointment. When I arrived I was notified that my oncologist fell the day before and broke her arm so she would not be my doctor that day but a lovely British lady would. I was a bit nervous because I love my doctor and feel comfortable with her and trust her. I did not know this other doctor and felt weird letting her examine me. (Disclaimer: For this year I am treating my body as a science experiment- I feel like every doctor in the Seattle area has explored and researched it- Numb is what I have come to feel). When I got into the patient room I was immediately welcomed with a giant hug and a tearful "Happy Birthday" from this doctor I had never met. She was amazing and so so sweet. It just reaffirmed that I am getting the best and most involved care I could possibly get. After the hug and questions she examined my mass. Before I started this whole process my tumor was 9 cm in length. This may not seem like a large size but I could physically feel it through my skin and from the outside it felt like the size of a golf ball. After my first round of chemotherapy my tumor had shrunk 2cm. This is huge! I no longer have discomfort nor can I feel the tumor through my skin without really looking for it. It has given me a positive comfort knowing the chemo is actually doing something good and not just rotting my insides. After my check-up with my oncologist I went upstairs for my infusion. During my infusion I conned Daniel and Alicia into playing a full game of Phase 10, which thanks to Marley Sugar is my new favorite card game. Playing cards and eating an obscene amount of animal crackers distracted me from the 4 hour infusion. Towards the end of the chemo infusion I started to get a terrible headache but it was quickly squashed by some Tylenol from the gift shop downstairs. After chemo was over I felt well enough to indulge in some burgers at Lunchbox Laboratory as a birthday dinner! It all was perfect timing.
As soon as lunch was over and we headed home the prechemo drugs started wearing off fast. I immediately became helpless due to the amount of pain I felt all over. Common side effects I felt this time around include extremely fast hair loss, crippling heartburn, a couple days of dry heaving (still have yet to vomit), extreme exhaustion (I slept for four days straight), trouble breathing, body cramps, constipation followed by diarrhea (sorry I know its gross), and the worst was the neuropathy. Neuropathy is nerve damage which causes tingling and cold sensations usually in the extremities. I had the awful privilege of getting it in my head. This cold tingling sensation has caused dreadful headaches and mind-numbing earaches. It is so bad I have to wear a beanie hat around the house all day, I can no longer sleep with a fan on and I have to sleep with a pillow over my head with pressure on it to make to pain less in order to sleep. I am hoping this Friday when I go in for Round 3 I can do something more to prevent or help it. All of these side effects are really taking a toll on my physical health. As I sit here I currently have some kind of cold I have contracted after only being back to school (with no kids yet) for three days. Ugh it is going to be a long year! One last thing on the side effects: As soon as I did my second round of chemo, as I said earlier, my hair started to fall out in massive chunks. I couldn't even lay down on my pillow without sitting up and it looked like something sheaded all its hair. So invited my friend Patricia over to shave my head. I was incredibly nervous but her and Daniel were very comforting and actually it did not look as bad as I thought it would. Below is a picture of me with my head shaved and me in my new wig. My wig is fun because no one recognizes me but it is a bit itchy at times. Even though I do not look half bad with a shaved head it is still falling out and will continue to till I am completely bald, but now when it falls out I can blame the hair on my dog Newton instead of knowing that it is mine. I figure it is less traumatic that way.
Last thing I want to discuss that has played the heaviest on me the past two weeks is my emotional well-being. When I found out I had cancer I cried for a few hours and then told myself to suck it up and deal with it and since then I haven't cried. I figure I have better odds than a lot of people. When I walk into SCCA and see old people and children who have a heck of a lot more to complain about it gives me strength I never thought I had in me. It is the saddest thing to see and for that I know I have to be brave. And I have. Until this past week. This last round of chemo has really taken an emotional toll on me. I think it is just the thought of knowing I don't have control over my body anymore. Even with all the preventive care in my handy side effects book I can't control them all. It leaves me feeling weak and powerless. Anyone who knows me knows I like to take charge. I like to be in control of my own destiny and my own pain really. Also I am a huge wimp when it comes to being sick. I keep thinking "I've only done 2 rounds and I have 14 more rounds or 3 months of feeling like this!" Excuse my language but that scares the shit out of me. I don't want to have to rely on other people. I don't want to battle heartburn or exhaustion or neuropathy. I want control. I hate the chemo more than I hate the cancer. At least when I had cancer I could not feel it. I know that is stupid to say and I really do not mean it but man this isn't emotionally what I thought would happen. I can handle the pain I assume because it is more of an annoyance then anything else but the loss of control is challenging. This is my rant for this week. I will suck it up and I will get through this. It is just a really bad job with a emotionally abusive boss. But I will get through it.
This week I started my meetings at school. I had to stand up in front of my whole school (mind you half of it still doesn't know who I am) and tell them about my alien disease. That took guts, that took courage I did not think I had in me. It is the little steps, the little accomplishments that are getting me through this. I know it won't be easy but I still feel like I can, not just will, handle this with confidence and courage. Friday I have my 3rd round of chemo. Three down...13 more to go! I will end it all just in time to make it home for an amazing Christmas with the family. Next week will be my biggest challenge...telling my students, their parents and getting through the first week of school on the chemo week where I feel the absolute worst. If I can conquer that I KNOW I can conquer anything! Wish me luck!
As most of you know my second round of chemotherapy fell on my 28th birthday this year. As I get older birthdays seems to be less relevant and more depressing. Who wants to celebrate getting old and wrinkly? Not me. So I didn't mind so much when this round fell on this special day. On that day Daniel and a great new friend of mine Alicia came with me to my appointments. First, as usual, was the blood draw. My white blood cell count was excellent which means my chemo was a go for the day. Second I went to my oncologist appointment. When I arrived I was notified that my oncologist fell the day before and broke her arm so she would not be my doctor that day but a lovely British lady would. I was a bit nervous because I love my doctor and feel comfortable with her and trust her. I did not know this other doctor and felt weird letting her examine me. (Disclaimer: For this year I am treating my body as a science experiment- I feel like every doctor in the Seattle area has explored and researched it- Numb is what I have come to feel). When I got into the patient room I was immediately welcomed with a giant hug and a tearful "Happy Birthday" from this doctor I had never met. She was amazing and so so sweet. It just reaffirmed that I am getting the best and most involved care I could possibly get. After the hug and questions she examined my mass. Before I started this whole process my tumor was 9 cm in length. This may not seem like a large size but I could physically feel it through my skin and from the outside it felt like the size of a golf ball. After my first round of chemotherapy my tumor had shrunk 2cm. This is huge! I no longer have discomfort nor can I feel the tumor through my skin without really looking for it. It has given me a positive comfort knowing the chemo is actually doing something good and not just rotting my insides. After my check-up with my oncologist I went upstairs for my infusion. During my infusion I conned Daniel and Alicia into playing a full game of Phase 10, which thanks to Marley Sugar is my new favorite card game. Playing cards and eating an obscene amount of animal crackers distracted me from the 4 hour infusion. Towards the end of the chemo infusion I started to get a terrible headache but it was quickly squashed by some Tylenol from the gift shop downstairs. After chemo was over I felt well enough to indulge in some burgers at Lunchbox Laboratory as a birthday dinner! It all was perfect timing.
As soon as lunch was over and we headed home the prechemo drugs started wearing off fast. I immediately became helpless due to the amount of pain I felt all over. Common side effects I felt this time around include extremely fast hair loss, crippling heartburn, a couple days of dry heaving (still have yet to vomit), extreme exhaustion (I slept for four days straight), trouble breathing, body cramps, constipation followed by diarrhea (sorry I know its gross), and the worst was the neuropathy. Neuropathy is nerve damage which causes tingling and cold sensations usually in the extremities. I had the awful privilege of getting it in my head. This cold tingling sensation has caused dreadful headaches and mind-numbing earaches. It is so bad I have to wear a beanie hat around the house all day, I can no longer sleep with a fan on and I have to sleep with a pillow over my head with pressure on it to make to pain less in order to sleep. I am hoping this Friday when I go in for Round 3 I can do something more to prevent or help it. All of these side effects are really taking a toll on my physical health. As I sit here I currently have some kind of cold I have contracted after only being back to school (with no kids yet) for three days. Ugh it is going to be a long year! One last thing on the side effects: As soon as I did my second round of chemo, as I said earlier, my hair started to fall out in massive chunks. I couldn't even lay down on my pillow without sitting up and it looked like something sheaded all its hair. So invited my friend Patricia over to shave my head. I was incredibly nervous but her and Daniel were very comforting and actually it did not look as bad as I thought it would. Below is a picture of me with my head shaved and me in my new wig. My wig is fun because no one recognizes me but it is a bit itchy at times. Even though I do not look half bad with a shaved head it is still falling out and will continue to till I am completely bald, but now when it falls out I can blame the hair on my dog Newton instead of knowing that it is mine. I figure it is less traumatic that way.
This week I started my meetings at school. I had to stand up in front of my whole school (mind you half of it still doesn't know who I am) and tell them about my alien disease. That took guts, that took courage I did not think I had in me. It is the little steps, the little accomplishments that are getting me through this. I know it won't be easy but I still feel like I can, not just will, handle this with confidence and courage. Friday I have my 3rd round of chemo. Three down...13 more to go! I will end it all just in time to make it home for an amazing Christmas with the family. Next week will be my biggest challenge...telling my students, their parents and getting through the first week of school on the chemo week where I feel the absolute worst. If I can conquer that I KNOW I can conquer anything! Wish me luck!
Monday, August 12, 2013
Don't judge a book by its cover
Numerous times in my life I have gone to bookstores and roamed the isles trying to pinpoint exactly what book I wanted to read. I am not a big fan of reading books that are recommended to me and I am really picky when it comes to what type of books I read. I tend to get bored before I give it a chance. None of this is relevant to my point but when I go to purchase a book I always go against the saying and purchase random books based on how "cool" the cover is. Looking around my room I can see about ten books right off the bat that I have yet to open that I purchased because I liked the title, the cover, or the summary on the back cover. Good job graphic designers! The point I am trying to make is I never really know what is going on inside the book because I don't open it and explore and that is a lot like how I have felt the past two weeks. I may have a decent exterior (no hair loss yet) but I know my insides are telling a whole different dysfunctional story. Sorry it is long but it is overdue.
The Wednesday before my first round of chemo I had my IVF surgery. I went in at 7:30 a.m. and was out and headed home by 10:00 a.m. The doctors collected 12 mature eggs for freezing which I was told is a good number. Apparently not all eggs make it through freezing and then only some work later on so the larger the amount the better your odds of a baby. When I woke up from the anesthesia I felt bloated, crampy and extremely tired. Daniel took me home, I took some pain medicine and we slept all day. It was a quick and easy surgery compared to the constant poking I endured for two weeks.
The next day was the day I was looking forward to that whole week. My mom flew in town from KC to be here with us for a week through my first chemo infusion. We picked her up around noon at the airport and then we had to head to an appointment to get my thyroid ultrasound because of the nodules they found on my CT scan. When we arrived at SCCA they got me in fast and the ultrasound technician was really good. Much more skilled than all the others who have trolled around my body. He got me in and out but did not elaborate on my results at that time. I did however find out later in the week that my results came back negative for any unusual masses. Yay no cancer in the thyroid! Oh, another positive note from this week is I also got back my genetics test results and they were also all NEGATIVE for any cancer genes. That is really good news because it lowers the percentage of me getting cancer again but it still leaves the question open as to why I got this alien disease in the first place. Maybe when I am old and donate my body to science they will one day find out.
All right, well now going back to my book idea from the beginning. The week leading up to my chemo had been pleasant. I won't get in to extreme detail but I enjoyed company from out of town and got to go to a music festival. I felt fine, I look fine, I was emotionally in a great place. The "cover" of my book was in great condition. That all changed that Friday when I went in for my first chemo infusion. I started the day at 10:15 a.m. getting a blood draw and my chemo port accessed and set up for the day. They have to do a blood draw before each infusion to make sure my white blood cell count is high enough to proceed. This week was just a baseline since it was my first infusion. After the blood draw I headed up to see my oncologist. She measured my cancerous mass (still 9cm) and talked with me about what was going to happen during the infusion. Its funny when the doctors ask if you have any questions or concerns and you just stare at them blankly. That is what I do at least. Of course I have questions and concerns but at that moment they flee my mind or just make me look like a massive wimp if I ask so I just keep my mouth shut. After meeting with my doctor we grabbed a quick lunch and Daniel, my mom and I headed up to the infusion center. The infusion center reminds me of a city. There are tons of mini rooms all over the place with their own "address" and a mini-market (kitchen) in the middle of it that has everything you could ever need. Seriously every kind of food. It was amazing, and all free. I snacked on string cheese like a queen. Once I was settled in my room they hooked me up to the pre-chemo drugs. These drugs helped me handle the nausea, and heartburn that the chemo would cause. The pre-chemo infusion took about an hour through an IV in my port. They gave me enough medicine to supposedly last me a few days (that was not the case). After the pre-chemo drugs were finished they hooked me up first to the "red devil" chemotherapy and that took about an hour to feed through my line. At that point I felt fine, I looked fine, I was still a book someone would want to pick up and read. After the "red devil" the hooked me up to the second drug. It was a clear fluid and took about two hours to infuse into my line. This drug brought me down fast. Immediately I had a headache beyond any headache I have ever felt before. The pain was intense all over my head and they couldn't give me any medication without my oncologist's consent (she was busy so that meant never). Once the infusion was over more than anything I wanted to go home. I felt this uncomfortable feeling that I no longer had any control of my body and this situation. I think the headache mixed with this unsettling feeling set me up for the terrible pain I felt that evening. On our way out of SCCA we stopped at the pharmacy and picked up my anti-nausea and anti-heartburn drugs and quickly headed home were we buckled down to ride out the storm of chemo.
After the infusion the first few days were intense! Wednesday was the first day I was up and moving at a constant pace which was nice because I got to visit some amazing relatives I had never met that live here in the Seattle area. Some side effects I have had the joy of enduring include: extreme exhaustion- cannot walk around the block without being winded, SEVERE heartburn- to the point of shooting pain constantly in my chest and back every time I breathe- all day, the random bouts of nausea (although I have yet to puke), the bone and joint aches that have left me paralyzed in the fetal position, constant pain at the site of my cancer mass, extremely dry mouth and eyes, sores in the mouth and my gastrointestinal tract flipping sides in deciding how it wants to digest my food. I never knew this till all this happened but chemotherapy kills all cells that are quick dividing. My cancer cells are quick dividing so the chemo will work really well in killing those cells off. However, the human mouth and the gastrointestinal system are also quick in manufacturing and turning over new cells. Therefore all the good and bad bacteria in my body is attacking these sights and causing pain, infection and discomfort. There are tricks to minimizing these affects but they are just as bad as the cause. I mean who really wants to wash their mouth with salt water after EVERY food or drink you ingest?
All of these side effects make me wonder what is going on inside of me. I have put on a brave face for the past month since my diagnosis but feeling all these symptoms messes with my head. I picture a massive battle inside me and each pain I feel is an explosion or gun fight leaving a brutal scene behind (hopefully killing the bad guys). I am a book with a great exterior (again I still have my hair) but my insides are tell a completely different story. I am assuming once I invest more time into my own story the plot will be more to my liking but right now this doesn't seem to be what I signed up for or what "I bought the book for." I knew it was going to be hard, in fact, I thought it would be much much worse. Knock on wood. I think that is what scares me; the fear of the unknown. The fear that each time I infuse I will feel a little bit different, a little bit more defeated knowing my insides are not at all what my outsides show. That is a terrible mind trick. Does that make me a great graphic designer.
This is a shitty job! One infusion down only 15 more to go (hopefully only 15). Stay tuned for this Friday. I am hoping to enjoy my week of good health with some early birthday adventures with friends. Maybe I will get a room this time for my chemo since it is my birthday! Also I got a wig this week but will display pictures of that once my hair falls out. Thank you again to everyone who has sent their love my way. I have received amazing cards, calls, donations and gifts from so many of you. It is actually really nice going down to check my mail and the letters and cards outweigh the medical EOBs and bills that keep pouring in.
The Wednesday before my first round of chemo I had my IVF surgery. I went in at 7:30 a.m. and was out and headed home by 10:00 a.m. The doctors collected 12 mature eggs for freezing which I was told is a good number. Apparently not all eggs make it through freezing and then only some work later on so the larger the amount the better your odds of a baby. When I woke up from the anesthesia I felt bloated, crampy and extremely tired. Daniel took me home, I took some pain medicine and we slept all day. It was a quick and easy surgery compared to the constant poking I endured for two weeks.
The next day was the day I was looking forward to that whole week. My mom flew in town from KC to be here with us for a week through my first chemo infusion. We picked her up around noon at the airport and then we had to head to an appointment to get my thyroid ultrasound because of the nodules they found on my CT scan. When we arrived at SCCA they got me in fast and the ultrasound technician was really good. Much more skilled than all the others who have trolled around my body. He got me in and out but did not elaborate on my results at that time. I did however find out later in the week that my results came back negative for any unusual masses. Yay no cancer in the thyroid! Oh, another positive note from this week is I also got back my genetics test results and they were also all NEGATIVE for any cancer genes. That is really good news because it lowers the percentage of me getting cancer again but it still leaves the question open as to why I got this alien disease in the first place. Maybe when I am old and donate my body to science they will one day find out.
All right, well now going back to my book idea from the beginning. The week leading up to my chemo had been pleasant. I won't get in to extreme detail but I enjoyed company from out of town and got to go to a music festival. I felt fine, I look fine, I was emotionally in a great place. The "cover" of my book was in great condition. That all changed that Friday when I went in for my first chemo infusion. I started the day at 10:15 a.m. getting a blood draw and my chemo port accessed and set up for the day. They have to do a blood draw before each infusion to make sure my white blood cell count is high enough to proceed. This week was just a baseline since it was my first infusion. After the blood draw I headed up to see my oncologist. She measured my cancerous mass (still 9cm) and talked with me about what was going to happen during the infusion. Its funny when the doctors ask if you have any questions or concerns and you just stare at them blankly. That is what I do at least. Of course I have questions and concerns but at that moment they flee my mind or just make me look like a massive wimp if I ask so I just keep my mouth shut. After meeting with my doctor we grabbed a quick lunch and Daniel, my mom and I headed up to the infusion center. The infusion center reminds me of a city. There are tons of mini rooms all over the place with their own "address" and a mini-market (kitchen) in the middle of it that has everything you could ever need. Seriously every kind of food. It was amazing, and all free. I snacked on string cheese like a queen. Once I was settled in my room they hooked me up to the pre-chemo drugs. These drugs helped me handle the nausea, and heartburn that the chemo would cause. The pre-chemo infusion took about an hour through an IV in my port. They gave me enough medicine to supposedly last me a few days (that was not the case). After the pre-chemo drugs were finished they hooked me up first to the "red devil" chemotherapy and that took about an hour to feed through my line. At that point I felt fine, I looked fine, I was still a book someone would want to pick up and read. After the "red devil" the hooked me up to the second drug. It was a clear fluid and took about two hours to infuse into my line. This drug brought me down fast. Immediately I had a headache beyond any headache I have ever felt before. The pain was intense all over my head and they couldn't give me any medication without my oncologist's consent (she was busy so that meant never). Once the infusion was over more than anything I wanted to go home. I felt this uncomfortable feeling that I no longer had any control of my body and this situation. I think the headache mixed with this unsettling feeling set me up for the terrible pain I felt that evening. On our way out of SCCA we stopped at the pharmacy and picked up my anti-nausea and anti-heartburn drugs and quickly headed home were we buckled down to ride out the storm of chemo.
After the infusion the first few days were intense! Wednesday was the first day I was up and moving at a constant pace which was nice because I got to visit some amazing relatives I had never met that live here in the Seattle area. Some side effects I have had the joy of enduring include: extreme exhaustion- cannot walk around the block without being winded, SEVERE heartburn- to the point of shooting pain constantly in my chest and back every time I breathe- all day, the random bouts of nausea (although I have yet to puke), the bone and joint aches that have left me paralyzed in the fetal position, constant pain at the site of my cancer mass, extremely dry mouth and eyes, sores in the mouth and my gastrointestinal tract flipping sides in deciding how it wants to digest my food. I never knew this till all this happened but chemotherapy kills all cells that are quick dividing. My cancer cells are quick dividing so the chemo will work really well in killing those cells off. However, the human mouth and the gastrointestinal system are also quick in manufacturing and turning over new cells. Therefore all the good and bad bacteria in my body is attacking these sights and causing pain, infection and discomfort. There are tricks to minimizing these affects but they are just as bad as the cause. I mean who really wants to wash their mouth with salt water after EVERY food or drink you ingest?
All of these side effects make me wonder what is going on inside of me. I have put on a brave face for the past month since my diagnosis but feeling all these symptoms messes with my head. I picture a massive battle inside me and each pain I feel is an explosion or gun fight leaving a brutal scene behind (hopefully killing the bad guys). I am a book with a great exterior (again I still have my hair) but my insides are tell a completely different story. I am assuming once I invest more time into my own story the plot will be more to my liking but right now this doesn't seem to be what I signed up for or what "I bought the book for." I knew it was going to be hard, in fact, I thought it would be much much worse. Knock on wood. I think that is what scares me; the fear of the unknown. The fear that each time I infuse I will feel a little bit different, a little bit more defeated knowing my insides are not at all what my outsides show. That is a terrible mind trick. Does that make me a great graphic designer.
This is a shitty job! One infusion down only 15 more to go (hopefully only 15). Stay tuned for this Friday. I am hoping to enjoy my week of good health with some early birthday adventures with friends. Maybe I will get a room this time for my chemo since it is my birthday! Also I got a wig this week but will display pictures of that once my hair falls out. Thank you again to everyone who has sent their love my way. I have received amazing cards, calls, donations and gifts from so many of you. It is actually really nice going down to check my mail and the letters and cards outweigh the medical EOBs and bills that keep pouring in.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Don't hassle me I'm local...it's my vacation from my PROBLEMS
What do you think of when you hear the word "vacation"? A beach, an umbrella drink and a break from reality? This week was my vacation, however, it was a vacation that sent me back to normalcy. As What About Bob said "A vacation from my problems...you bet I will!" Week 4 was pretty uneventful when it comes to new information or tests yet it was jammed packed with eventful journeys that have left me sitting here on Friday night exhausted so I will keep this week short and sweet.
I have to start this week's blog with last Saturday. Daniel and I got up early and took the dogs to the dog park to meet up with Patricia and Rome. Through all the appointments I feel like I have neglected my dogs and the attention they need so this was long overdue. After about a couple hours of playing in the water and Newton jealously chasing Igby around the park we headed home to clean up for the next adventure. Our next stop was Bite of Seattle food festival at the Seattle Center. Patricia met back up with us at the food festival to eat some delicious grub. This event was incredible! It was very overwhelming the amount of people and the amount of food that was in such a small space but we were on a mission to eat. We walked around for a long time tasting various amounts of food till our stomachs were satisfied. Mission completed.
After satisfying all of our senses we headed to a local pub underneath my apartment for an afternoon beer and fun conversation. By the end of the day my mind was at ease and it was the first night in a long time I slept like a rock.
On a medical update this week has been all about harvesting eggs. This is such an intense process. Since last Friday I have been doing IVF to prepare for my retrieval (sometime early next week). This requires me to take shots (2-3) daily at night. Through this process I have come to terms that I am a huge wimp when it comes to puncturing my own skin. Needless to say I will never be someone who self inflicts pain. The thought of causing my own pain makes my heart race so Daniel, yet again, has come to my rescue in giving me my shots every day. He is strong but I know the thought of him hurting me kills him. It will be over soon. Along with the shots I have to go to the doctor every two days to get bloodwork and an ultrasound to make sure I am on track. Luckily they are super quick appointments and have been really early in the morning so they haven't interfered with my week.
Okay so now that is out of the way back to my fun week! On Monday I got the privilege to go back to work at the bar. Yes, a privilege because I know it sadly won't last much longer. I love the people I work with at the bar. They have been super supportive and are willing to give up shifts so I can make money. While I was working on Monday I was telling a few coworkers that I need to cut my hair before chemotherapy starts so it will be less traumatic when my hair falls out. I keep imagining massive chunks of hair falling out and me holding it in between my knuckles screaming "NO!" as some ballad is playing in the background. Quite comical if you ask me but not something I really want to experience. I had mentioned that I did not want to pay a large sum for a cut that I would only have for a few weeks. After I left work that day two of my coworkers had reached out to friends of theirs and got me contacts for a free haircut. Amazing people do exist. One day I will pay this all forward I promise.
Tuesday was my day of rest. I organized a few things at home and looked over my medical bills. Lets just say this whole process has taught me to be very organized. I also played around with my camera a bit. I think I am going to have to find a Groupon or something for a photography class. My camera is much smarter than it's owner.
Wednesday I made an appointment for my haircut. Now anyone who knows me knows I am super picky about who cuts my hair and how they cut it; so much so that I haven't cut my hair since I moved here because I don't trust anyone to do it right. This week I took a risk, figuring if I don't like it it will only last a few weeks and if I do like it then I found a new hairstylist. After the cut and all the love and support from friends and family I definitely found an awesome stylist I will continue to go to after my hair grows back! Now when my hair falls out it will be in small pieces. All I need to do now is convince my mom or Daniel to shave my head when the chunks start to fall out (neither want to- they think it will be to traumatic). Muahahaha :-)
After my amazing haircut I finally went to the dentist. My oncologist told me I needed to get my teeth cleaned before I start chemo because tooth decay and mouth sores are side affects. from the treatment The cleaner my mouth is the more these side affects can be postponed or prevented. My dentist office is called Supertooth. It is a superhero theme office that played instrumental music of movie theme songs in the background. It totally fit my theme of this whole year, karate chopping cancer, and it actually made me enjoy the cleaning. Oh and the people there were really helpful and nice. They suggested various over the counter medicines that will help keep my mouth "normal" throughout this year. Also, on a side note, I am STILL cavity free!
Thursday and Friday I worked at the bar racking up as much money as I could before I go into hibernation in a few weeks. On Thursday night I went to my third Mariners' game with a few coworkers/friends from my school. We were in the homerun alley right up against the field. Besides dodging a few flying balls it was a fun relaxing night with friends, beer and delicious food.
On Friday after work I cleaned my house in anticipation for a few friends from home to come visit! This weekend is going to be a blast. Saturday I am going to hang out with my friends from out of town ALL day and Sunday, Patricia invited me to go to Capital Hill Block Party with her! Flaming Lips, Frightened Rabbit, Hey Marseilles, Black Marble and so much more. I can't wait- pictures to come!
Overall this week has been just what the doctor ordered. A vacation from my own problems. I have talked to some amazing people, I joined the Young Survivor Coalition, many people have reached out yet again to help me in this dumb time of need and I have a great new perspective on how I am going to treat this year. Ready for it...This year I am working a really crappy job (treatment), but it is only a year contract. In this "job" I don't get paid, in fact I will have to pay to work, I will have crappy hours, I will cuss out my boss (cancer) but know that in one year all the hard labor that I put into it will all be worth it AND look good on my resume (SURVIVOR). One year. I am not dying, nor do I think I will die, it's just a job. I am hard worker so there is no doubt this is a job I will be excel at. Next week I have my harvesting surgery, an ultrasound of my neck/thyroid, my mom comes in town, and I start chemoterapy. Bring it on!
I have to start this week's blog with last Saturday. Daniel and I got up early and took the dogs to the dog park to meet up with Patricia and Rome. Through all the appointments I feel like I have neglected my dogs and the attention they need so this was long overdue. After about a couple hours of playing in the water and Newton jealously chasing Igby around the park we headed home to clean up for the next adventure. Our next stop was Bite of Seattle food festival at the Seattle Center. Patricia met back up with us at the food festival to eat some delicious grub. This event was incredible! It was very overwhelming the amount of people and the amount of food that was in such a small space but we were on a mission to eat. We walked around for a long time tasting various amounts of food till our stomachs were satisfied. Mission completed.
After satisfying all of our senses we headed to a local pub underneath my apartment for an afternoon beer and fun conversation. By the end of the day my mind was at ease and it was the first night in a long time I slept like a rock.
On a medical update this week has been all about harvesting eggs. This is such an intense process. Since last Friday I have been doing IVF to prepare for my retrieval (sometime early next week). This requires me to take shots (2-3) daily at night. Through this process I have come to terms that I am a huge wimp when it comes to puncturing my own skin. Needless to say I will never be someone who self inflicts pain. The thought of causing my own pain makes my heart race so Daniel, yet again, has come to my rescue in giving me my shots every day. He is strong but I know the thought of him hurting me kills him. It will be over soon. Along with the shots I have to go to the doctor every two days to get bloodwork and an ultrasound to make sure I am on track. Luckily they are super quick appointments and have been really early in the morning so they haven't interfered with my week.
Okay so now that is out of the way back to my fun week! On Monday I got the privilege to go back to work at the bar. Yes, a privilege because I know it sadly won't last much longer. I love the people I work with at the bar. They have been super supportive and are willing to give up shifts so I can make money. While I was working on Monday I was telling a few coworkers that I need to cut my hair before chemotherapy starts so it will be less traumatic when my hair falls out. I keep imagining massive chunks of hair falling out and me holding it in between my knuckles screaming "NO!" as some ballad is playing in the background. Quite comical if you ask me but not something I really want to experience. I had mentioned that I did not want to pay a large sum for a cut that I would only have for a few weeks. After I left work that day two of my coworkers had reached out to friends of theirs and got me contacts for a free haircut. Amazing people do exist. One day I will pay this all forward I promise.
Tuesday was my day of rest. I organized a few things at home and looked over my medical bills. Lets just say this whole process has taught me to be very organized. I also played around with my camera a bit. I think I am going to have to find a Groupon or something for a photography class. My camera is much smarter than it's owner.
Wednesday I made an appointment for my haircut. Now anyone who knows me knows I am super picky about who cuts my hair and how they cut it; so much so that I haven't cut my hair since I moved here because I don't trust anyone to do it right. This week I took a risk, figuring if I don't like it it will only last a few weeks and if I do like it then I found a new hairstylist. After the cut and all the love and support from friends and family I definitely found an awesome stylist I will continue to go to after my hair grows back! Now when my hair falls out it will be in small pieces. All I need to do now is convince my mom or Daniel to shave my head when the chunks start to fall out (neither want to- they think it will be to traumatic). Muahahaha :-)
After my amazing haircut I finally went to the dentist. My oncologist told me I needed to get my teeth cleaned before I start chemo because tooth decay and mouth sores are side affects. from the treatment The cleaner my mouth is the more these side affects can be postponed or prevented. My dentist office is called Supertooth. It is a superhero theme office that played instrumental music of movie theme songs in the background. It totally fit my theme of this whole year, karate chopping cancer, and it actually made me enjoy the cleaning. Oh and the people there were really helpful and nice. They suggested various over the counter medicines that will help keep my mouth "normal" throughout this year. Also, on a side note, I am STILL cavity free!
Thursday and Friday I worked at the bar racking up as much money as I could before I go into hibernation in a few weeks. On Thursday night I went to my third Mariners' game with a few coworkers/friends from my school. We were in the homerun alley right up against the field. Besides dodging a few flying balls it was a fun relaxing night with friends, beer and delicious food.
On Friday after work I cleaned my house in anticipation for a few friends from home to come visit! This weekend is going to be a blast. Saturday I am going to hang out with my friends from out of town ALL day and Sunday, Patricia invited me to go to Capital Hill Block Party with her! Flaming Lips, Frightened Rabbit, Hey Marseilles, Black Marble and so much more. I can't wait- pictures to come!
Overall this week has been just what the doctor ordered. A vacation from my own problems. I have talked to some amazing people, I joined the Young Survivor Coalition, many people have reached out yet again to help me in this dumb time of need and I have a great new perspective on how I am going to treat this year. Ready for it...This year I am working a really crappy job (treatment), but it is only a year contract. In this "job" I don't get paid, in fact I will have to pay to work, I will have crappy hours, I will cuss out my boss (cancer) but know that in one year all the hard labor that I put into it will all be worth it AND look good on my resume (SURVIVOR). One year. I am not dying, nor do I think I will die, it's just a job. I am hard worker so there is no doubt this is a job I will be excel at. Next week I have my harvesting surgery, an ultrasound of my neck/thyroid, my mom comes in town, and I start chemoterapy. Bring it on!
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