I may just be the cowardly lion

Sorry for the long hiatus but between barely being able to lift my finger for a week after chemo to starting school meetings this week and Comcast being the evil dictator I haven't been able to find the time to get a working computer to write my entry. So now I sit here after school about to head to a benefits meeting (to hopefully change my insurance) writing all the emotions I have had bottled up in my head for the past few weeks. I am not going to go into lengthy detail about each and every day from the past two week but I do want to explain emotionally and physically how I have felt these weeks. I started this blog mainly to inform my friends and family about my progress and educate them on the "behind the scenes" of cancer and all the lovely baggage it comes with but as I have delved into this blog more and more I am starting to think of it more as therapeutic and also a nice reflection for me to look back on in a year and hopefully laugh about it all. I mean really...I have the WORST luck!

As most of you know my second round of chemotherapy fell on my 28th birthday this year. As I get older birthdays seems to be less relevant and more depressing. Who wants to celebrate getting old and wrinkly? Not me. So I didn't mind so much when this round fell on this special day. On that day Daniel and a great new friend of mine Alicia came with me to my appointments. First, as usual, was the blood draw. My white blood cell count was excellent which means my chemo was a go for the day. Second I went to my oncologist appointment. When I arrived I was notified that my oncologist fell the day before and broke her arm so she would not be my doctor that day but a lovely British lady would. I was a bit nervous because I love my doctor and feel comfortable with her and trust her. I did not know this other doctor and felt weird letting her examine me. (Disclaimer: For this year I am treating my body as a science experiment- I feel like every doctor in the Seattle area has explored and researched it- Numb is what I have come to feel). When I got into the patient room I was immediately welcomed with a giant hug and a tearful "Happy Birthday" from this doctor I had never met. She was amazing and so so sweet. It just reaffirmed that I am getting the best and most involved care I could possibly get. After the hug and questions she examined my mass. Before I started this whole process my tumor was 9 cm in length. This may not seem like a large size but I could physically feel it through my skin and from the outside it felt like the size of a golf ball. After my first round of chemotherapy my tumor had shrunk 2cm. This is huge! I no longer have discomfort nor can I feel the tumor through my skin without really looking for it. It has given me a positive comfort knowing the chemo is actually doing something good and not just rotting my insides. After my check-up with my oncologist I went upstairs for my infusion. During my infusion I conned Daniel and Alicia into playing a full game of Phase 10, which thanks to Marley Sugar is my new favorite card game. Playing cards and eating an obscene amount of animal crackers distracted me from the 4 hour infusion. Towards the end of the chemo infusion I started to get a terrible headache but it was quickly squashed by some Tylenol from the gift shop downstairs. After chemo was over I felt well enough to indulge in some burgers at Lunchbox Laboratory as a birthday dinner! It all was perfect timing.

As soon as lunch was over and we headed home the prechemo drugs started wearing off fast. I immediately became helpless due to the amount of pain I felt all over. Common side effects I felt this time around include extremely fast hair loss, crippling heartburn, a couple days of dry heaving (still have yet to vomit), extreme exhaustion (I slept for four days straight), trouble breathing, body cramps, constipation followed by diarrhea (sorry I know its gross), and the worst was the neuropathy. Neuropathy is nerve damage which causes tingling and cold sensations usually in the extremities. I had the awful privilege of getting it in my head. This cold tingling sensation has caused dreadful headaches and mind-numbing earaches. It is so bad I have to wear a beanie hat around the house all day, I can no longer sleep with a fan on and I have to sleep with a pillow over my head with pressure on it to make to pain less in order to sleep. I am hoping this Friday when I go in for Round 3 I can do something more to prevent or help it. All of these side effects are really taking a toll on my physical health. As I sit here I currently have some kind of cold I have contracted after only being back to school (with no kids yet) for three days. Ugh it is going to be a long year! One last thing on the side effects: As soon as I did my second round of chemo, as I said earlier, my hair started to fall out in massive chunks. I couldn't even lay down on my pillow without sitting up and it looked like something sheaded all its hair. So invited my friend Patricia over to shave my head. I was incredibly nervous but her and Daniel were very comforting and actually it did not look as bad as I thought it would. Below is a picture of me with my head shaved and me in my new wig. My wig is fun because no one recognizes me but it is a bit itchy at times. Even though I do not look half bad with a shaved head it is still falling out and will continue to till I am completely bald, but now when it falls out I can blame the hair on my dog Newton instead of knowing that it is mine. I figure it is less traumatic that way.

Last thing I want to discuss that has played the heaviest on me the past two weeks is my emotional well-being. When I found out I had cancer I cried for a few hours and then told myself to suck it up and deal with it and since then I haven't cried. I figure I have better odds than a lot of people. When I walk into SCCA and see old people and children who have a heck of a lot more to complain about it gives me strength I never thought I had in me. It is the saddest thing to see and for that I know I have to be brave. And I have. Until this past week. This last round of chemo has really taken an emotional toll on me. I think it is just the thought of knowing I don't have control over my body anymore. Even with all the preventive care in my handy side effects book I can't control them all. It leaves me feeling weak and powerless. Anyone who knows me knows I like to take charge. I like to be in control of my own destiny and my own pain really. Also I am a huge wimp when it comes to being sick. I keep thinking "I've only done 2 rounds and I have 14 more rounds or 3 months of feeling like this!" Excuse my language but that scares the shit out of me. I don't want to have to rely on other people. I don't want to battle heartburn or exhaustion or neuropathy. I want control. I hate the chemo more than I hate the cancer. At least when I had cancer I could not feel it. I know that is stupid to say and I really do not mean it but man this isn't emotionally what I thought would happen. I can handle the pain I assume because it is more of an annoyance then anything else but the loss of control is challenging. This is my rant for this week. I will suck it up and I will get through this. It is just a really bad job with a emotionally abusive boss. But I will get through it.

This week I started my meetings at school. I had to stand up in front of my whole school (mind you half of it still doesn't know who I am) and tell them about my alien disease. That took guts, that took courage I did not think I had in me. It is the little steps, the little accomplishments that are getting me through this. I know it won't be easy but I still feel like I can, not just will, handle this with confidence and courage. Friday I have my 3rd round of chemo. Three down...13 more to go! I will end it all just in time to make it home for an amazing Christmas with the family. Next week will be my biggest challenge...telling my students, their parents and getting through the first week of school on the chemo week where I feel the absolute worst. If I can conquer that I KNOW I can conquer anything! Wish me luck!