The Wednesday before my first round of chemo I had my IVF surgery. I went in at 7:30 a.m. and was out and headed home by 10:00 a.m. The doctors collected 12 mature eggs for freezing which I was told is a good number. Apparently not all eggs make it through freezing and then only some work later on so the larger the amount the better your odds of a baby. When I woke up from the anesthesia I felt bloated, crampy and extremely tired. Daniel took me home, I took some pain medicine and we slept all day. It was a quick and easy surgery compared to the constant poking I endured for two weeks.
The next day was the day I was looking forward to that whole week. My mom flew in town from KC to be here with us for a week through my first chemo infusion. We picked her up around noon at the airport and then we had to head to an appointment to get my thyroid ultrasound because of the nodules they found on my CT scan. When we arrived at SCCA they got me in fast and the ultrasound technician was really good. Much more skilled than all the others who have trolled around my body. He got me in and out but did not elaborate on my results at that time. I did however find out later in the week that my results came back negative for any unusual masses. Yay no cancer in the thyroid! Oh, another positive note from this week is I also got back my genetics test results and they were also all NEGATIVE for any cancer genes. That is really good news because it lowers the percentage of me getting cancer again but it still leaves the question open as to why I got this alien disease in the first place. Maybe when I am old and donate my body to science they will one day find out.
All right, well now going back to my book idea from the beginning. The week leading up to my chemo had been pleasant. I won't get in to extreme detail but I enjoyed company from out of town and got to go to a music festival. I felt fine, I look fine, I was emotionally in a great place. The "cover" of my book was in great condition. That all changed that Friday when I went in for my first chemo infusion. I started the day at 10:15 a.m. getting a blood draw and my chemo port accessed and set up for the day. They have to do a blood draw before each infusion to make sure my white blood cell count is high enough to proceed. This week was just a baseline since it was my first infusion. After the blood draw I headed up to see my oncologist. She measured my cancerous mass (still 9cm) and talked with me about what was going to happen during the infusion. Its funny when the doctors ask if you have any questions or concerns and you just stare at them blankly. That is what I do at least. Of course I have questions and concerns but at that moment they flee my mind or just make me look like a massive wimp if I ask so I just keep my mouth shut. After meeting with my doctor we grabbed a quick lunch and Daniel, my mom and I headed up to the infusion center. The infusion center reminds me of a city. There are tons of mini rooms all over the place with their own "address" and a mini-market (kitchen) in the middle of it that has everything you could ever need. Seriously every kind of food. It was amazing, and all free. I snacked on string cheese like a queen. Once I was settled in my room they hooked me up to the pre-chemo drugs. These drugs helped me handle the nausea, and heartburn that the chemo would cause. The pre-chemo infusion took about an hour through an IV in my port. They gave me enough medicine to supposedly last me a few days (that was not the case). After the pre-chemo drugs were finished they hooked me up first to the "red devil" chemotherapy and that took about an hour to feed through my line. At that point I felt fine, I looked fine, I was still a book someone would want to pick up and read. After the "red devil" the hooked me up to the second drug. It was a clear fluid and took about two hours to infuse into my line. This drug brought me down fast. Immediately I had a headache beyond any headache I have ever felt before. The pain was intense all over my head and they couldn't give me any medication without my oncologist's consent (she was busy so that meant never). Once the infusion was over more than anything I wanted to go home. I felt this uncomfortable feeling that I no longer had any control of my body and this situation. I think the headache mixed with this unsettling feeling set me up for the terrible pain I felt that evening. On our way out of SCCA we stopped at the pharmacy and picked up my anti-nausea and anti-heartburn drugs and quickly headed home were we buckled down to ride out the storm of chemo.
After the infusion the first few days were intense! Wednesday was the first day I was up and moving at a constant pace which was nice because I got to visit some amazing relatives I had never met that live here in the Seattle area. Some side effects I have had the joy of enduring include: extreme exhaustion- cannot walk around the block without being winded, SEVERE heartburn- to the point of shooting pain constantly in my chest and back every time I breathe- all day, the random bouts of nausea (although I have yet to puke), the bone and joint aches that have left me paralyzed in the fetal position, constant pain at the site of my cancer mass, extremely dry mouth and eyes, sores in the mouth and my gastrointestinal tract flipping sides in deciding how it wants to digest my food. I never knew this till all this happened but chemotherapy kills all cells that are quick dividing. My cancer cells are quick dividing so the chemo will work really well in killing those cells off. However, the human mouth and the gastrointestinal system are also quick in manufacturing and turning over new cells. Therefore all the good and bad bacteria in my body is attacking these sights and causing pain, infection and discomfort. There are tricks to minimizing these affects but they are just as bad as the cause. I mean who really wants to wash their mouth with salt water after EVERY food or drink you ingest?
All of these side effects make me wonder what is going on inside of me. I have put on a brave face for the past month since my diagnosis but feeling all these symptoms messes with my head. I picture a massive battle inside me and each pain I feel is an explosion or gun fight leaving a brutal scene behind (hopefully killing the bad guys). I am a book with a great exterior (again I still have my hair) but my insides are tell a completely different story. I am assuming once I invest more time into my own story the plot will be more to my liking but right now this doesn't seem to be what I signed up for or what "I bought the book for." I knew it was going to be hard, in fact, I thought it would be much much worse. Knock on wood. I think that is what scares me; the fear of the unknown. The fear that each time I infuse I will feel a little bit different, a little bit more defeated knowing my insides are not at all what my outsides show. That is a terrible mind trick. Does that make me a great graphic designer.
This is a shitty job! One infusion down only 15 more to go (hopefully only 15). Stay tuned for this Friday. I am hoping to enjoy my week of good health with some early birthday adventures with friends. Maybe I will get a room this time for my chemo since it is my birthday! Also I got a wig this week but will display pictures of that once my hair falls out. Thank you again to everyone who has sent their love my way. I have received amazing cards, calls, donations and gifts from so many of you. It is actually really nice going down to check my mail and the letters and cards outweigh the medical EOBs and bills that keep pouring in.
Shelby,
ReplyDeleteYou've got it exactly right. There is a battle going on inside of you(reason for checking white blood cell count.) The side effects of mouth sores etc???? a pretty good indicator that the chemo drugs are winning.
Not sickly yet? COngratulations, one of the few. Tired and aching?? Yep. Sleep often.
You're going to win this interior battle. After your description, the negative thyroid report, yea, you're going to win.
Why you?? the question every person I've known has asked. Was a ratio of 1-12 in 1983, now it's 1-8 for this horrid disease. WHY? As you, can't say.
Why I can suggest is an idea mentioned during the Komen run for the cure yesterday in KC. A race that needs to be renamed. Drs. can CURE cancer, what is needed is the way to PREVENT the disease for happening.
15 treatments: Same as we went through. You're young, your psych approach is awesome and you will win.
Don't give up, don't give in. Race is on and you're now in the lead.
Hang in there and hold onto the good news and silver linings - no masses in your thyroids is a HUGE win!! Also, like you said, one treatment down, hopefully only 15 more to go. I liked that this post was using analogies to books, because I'm sending a few of my favorites to you (sorry, they're used/ours) to loan to you while you're undergoing treatment. I think they're ones you will like. Happy early birthday! xo
ReplyDelete