Week 17 is coming to a close and today is Chemo #9 of 16. Before I go into my play by play recap of the last few weeks I think it is only fitting to make you watch/listen to the song that summarizes this post. Take a moment and enjoy!
Since my last post at the beginning of this month my spirits have been high and so has my health. There was a scare the first few weeks of my Taxol that my Hematocrit levels were getting too low and I would have to really think about getting a blood transfusion but as of last Friday (cross my fingers nothing has changed in the last week) my numbers were going up into the "healthy" range. With Taxol my eating habits have gone back to normal which I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing because I LOVE food so much. I have put on most of my weight that I lost with the A/C chemo but it is hard to know if that is just the water weight from the Taxol or me actually eating my way through the refrigerator. Either way it makes me feel good and happy. Another positive note that all my lady friends will be jealous of is I have not had to shave my legs in 3 weeks. The Taxol continues what the A/C chemo started and the rest of my body hair is falling out. There are pros and cons to this but I won't go into detail. I am still having serious hot flashes that are keeping my up on a regular basis and sadly punishing my students in my classroom because I have to keep my windows open all the time. It is like clock work. I will have a hot flash for ten minutes then be fine for about 20 minutes and then have another hot flash. My infusion nurse a few weeks ago told me the hot flashes are caused from the Lupron shot I am getting that is supposed to protect my eggs/ovaries but the side effect was only supposed to last 2 weeks not 4 weeks as it has. And I am screwed because I have to have another Lupron shot this week (every 4 weeks) so it will start full force all over again. It is a joke in the Science Department at my school. We call it cancerpause instead of menopause. Whenever I hear the word cancerpause it really just makes me chuckle because I picture cats with hospital face masks pawing at me. Weird visual I know but it gets me through this annoying side effect. My oncologist prescribed me some menopause medication this morning so I am hoping that is does the trick and disarms the cancerpause.The last side effect that is now in full force is the peripheral neuropathy. Everything I said before about it being bad was nothing compared to what I am experiencing now. I have lost complete feeling of my fingertips. Typing right now is actually proving to be quite difficult. It started a little over a week ago and just spread like wild fire to all my fingers. The sensation I feel all day every day is like when you smash your finger nail in a door and it is a numb/painful sensation. It is not fun at all. I am having trouble opening doors, food items, peeling oranges (I am on a orange kick right now), typing, and just really functioning normal in general. In fact two funny/mortifying examples of my neuropathy getting the best of me are as follows: Last week I was stamping my students' papers for completion with this awesome stamp I have (quotes things like "that warrants a fist pump") and I thought I had a good grip on the stamp but really was hardly holding it. As I pressed down on one student's paper the stamp flew out of my hand and rolled down his shirt. Luckily he was wearing a darker colored shirt, otherwise he would have had "that warrants a fist pump" all the way down his chest. I felt so bad! So bad! He was super sweet though and let me know it was no big deal as I was trying to explain to him why it had happened. The second time the neuropathy got the best of me is when I was walking my dogs and I thought I had a good grip on Newton's leash (my large weimaraner) when I didn't. Luckily I noticed shortly before he did that I wasn't actually holding his leash at all and I grabbed it avoiding a serious possibly dog fatal catastrophe. My doctor told me this side effect would happen and I have been taking my Glutamine powder with chocolate milk three times a day so it won't be permanent. Glutamine powder in chocolate milk makes me think of Ovaltine "Don't shoot your eye out" which is how I feel...scratch that...don't feel on a daily basis. Again I got to make jokes to make it worth it. Besides those two side effects, the continuous heartburn and the daily fatigue I feel amazing (that part isn't a joke).
Now to get to the point of the awesome music video at the beginning. The past few weeks have been extremely overwhelming. I mentioned this in my last blog but my mind is flooded with so many different emotions it is hard to decide which one I am actually projecting anymore. Sometimes I cry but I don't really know if I am crying because I was dealt a crappy hand or if I am happy because I know I am loved. Lately, however, the happy emotions seem to extremely outweigh the self pity emotions. About a month ago Eastlake High School (the school I teach at) started a fundraiser to help me with my medical bills and also promote awareness for breast cancer. At first the fundraiser started out small and was just the girls swim team selling t-shirts to their families and having a weekend car wash, but my swim team family is absolutely amazing and they just were not satisfied with stopping there. Some of my girls went door to door asking their neighbors to donate and the whole swim team started selling pink shirts to faculty and the rest of the student body. Pretty soon pink exploded all over the halls of my school and kids, parents and faculty were bringing me lunches and gifts to show me they loved me. The fundraiser became such a success that the Leadership class decided to have a pink out Friday with a pep assembly to promote breast cancer awareness and celebrate how amazing all the students and faculty are at supporting one of their own. Unfortunately the pep assembly was on a Friday and I was stuck in a hospital bed getting a transfusion but they sent me a video to show me how much they love me. Some of you may have seen it but it is worth watching again. Every day since I received this video whenever I am feeling down or alone I watch this video and it instantly fills me with warmth and happiness. It is a very powerful thing and I could not be happier being part of this community!
Another overwhelmingly happy moment that occurred the past few weeks was back home in Kansas City. A few friends of mine decided to hold a benefit concert, to again, help me pay for my medical expenses. They had live music, a silent auction, a pizza buffet, specialty drinks, and a raffle to come up with funds to support me. They hosted the benefit at a local bar run by a wonderful couple I went to high school with. I got the privilege to Face Time with my mom during the benefit and the outpouring amount of love and support was truly incredible. There were so many people there, some I haven't even seen in over a decade. As my sister was parading her phone around so I could say hello to everyone tears were streaming down my face. They were happy tears and sad tears because I wanted more than anything to be there. Again it is the big things like this that get me through each week and excited as I check off each and every chemo appointment. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! It is nice to have a little help from my friends...
This week I went back and read some of my old posts just as a reassurance to myself that I have come a long way. In the beginning posts I was still "healthy" or should I say not chemo infused and I was active and having some fun. I feel like since school/chemo started all the fun has been sucked out of me. I have not had the opportunity or the strength to go out and do the things I want to do. I live in an incredible city and the thought of walking two blocks to a restaurant frightens me. I am getting cabin fever sitting in my 500 square foot studio apartment each and everyday but I know once this is over I will probably be more active then I have ever been. A couple weeks ago my sister came in town and I wanted more than anything to show her the city (my mission is to convince anyone and everyone to move to Seattle). On Thursday and Friday of that week we stuck around the house and played Phase 10 (my favorite game) and watched movies. On Saturday, I decided I had this burst of energy and I wanted to get out of the house and show her the area. I knew I couldn't walk far so I decided to drive her and Daniel out to Woodinville to the Red Hook Brewery for some lunch, a brewery tour and some drinks (for them not me). We had an awesome time and a couple friends from my work actually came out and joined us which ended up turning into an all day event. It was a blast and I felt great the whole time! On Sunday, we headed to Fremont (Carly's next place of residence) to go to the Farmer's Market. Before I was diagnosed I worked at a restaurant/bar in Fremont and on Sunday's would always be so jealous of everyone who got to go to the market because I could see it but always had to work during it. We started the day going to lunch at my old place of business, which was nice because I got to say hello to everyone, followed by treasure searching at the Farmer's Market. Once we finished at the Farmer's Market we headed to Gas Works Park for some LARP (live action role playing) watching and incredible views. It was really fun and I think I convinced Carly just a little bit more to move to Seattle. At the end of the day, though, I was beyond exhausted and I think all the exertion I put into the week caught up with me. I ended up being couch confined the rest of the evening as Daniel and Carly explored a little more. So again, it goes back to the idea of how just being a little active scares the crap out of me.
Last update for this blog: today my oncologist told me I get to go home for Christmas. Daniel and I are hoping to come home December 20-26th (flights permitted). I am so excited to see all of you who have been following my journey and reached out to me when I was at my lowest. In the next few weeks my surgeon will be calling me to start looking into scheduling a time frame for my surgery. They project it will be within the first few weeks after the holidays. Time for me to start doing some research on my options.
P.S. Not sure if I said this already but I am totally going as Walter White for Halloween. It is only fitting! Daniel and I are hoping to go costume shopping this weekend.
Yet again it has been a while since my last post. Between school starting, coaching swimming and battling cancer I feel like I have three full time jobs. Needless to say when I do have a moment to breathe I am trying to play catch up on what I missed the day before. That or I am sleeping. But for those who have been worried I am alive and working on the getting well for the most part. The past month has been a whirlwind of side effects and sicknesses. This is the first week I feel like myself again (or as much as I can with chemo pumping through me). My last blog I left off talking about how my biggest challenge coming up would be surviving the first day of school. Well I am here to tell you that was a success. However, a very short lived success. The beginning of the school year is always one giant cloud of germs and dust as most teachers will attest. Students are coming in from the outside world bringing in a variety of different germs combined with the dust that settled in my classroom over the summer and Seattle summer turning to rain. I knew I would eventually be doomed in the wellness department it was just a matter of when. Well after surviving the first week of school (yet getting sicker by the day) I ended up having to go to the hospital on that Saturday. I woke up Saturday, September 6th feeling terrible. I had terrible sinus pressure and a cough that took my breath away. I took my temperature throughout the day and slowly watched it creep up to 101.4 Farenheit. Now I know that seems very high to wait that long to go to a doctor but according to my chemotherapy information there is not much they can do until my fever spikes above 101 Farenheit. Once it reaches this temperature it is considered an infection and can be life threatening. Silly huh? Why wait till that point? Any way once my fever spiked I called SCCA and let them know my symptoms and temperature. They immediately referred me to University of Washington Hospital Emergency Room. This put a huge damper on my plans. I had hoped to go to a concert that night that Daniel and I were looking forward to. Damn chemo! Once I got to the hospital they admitted me, took x-ray scans of my chest and started me on a slew of antibiotics. One thing I hate about hospitals is they don't ever consider how hungry you are when you are there. That feeling (because I did not have time to eat dinner or eat at all that day) mixed with all the antibiotics made me feel worse than when I walked into the ER. After I got my scans back they determined I had pneumonia. To be safe they admitted me for the night in the cancer ward to pump me full of more antibiotics; none however, made me feel any better. After I was admitted I was assigned a resident doctor to oversee me through the night. She checked all my blood counts and sheepishly decided that I needed a blood transfusion in the morning. This all seemed ridiculous to me. How can a sinus infection result in all this? I was hesitant but I assumed this nervous resident knew more than I did and if she thought this was the best solution than so be it. After a sleepless night in the hospital and some vomiting from the antibiotics an attending doctor came in and decided I did not need the transfusion after all. My blood counts were low but I had no other major symptoms that made them assume I needed a tranfusion. In fact, he decided I could be discharged that morning, given oral antibiotics to take home and be on my way. This overnight vacation seemed like a hefty bill for really no solution to my pain. I still left feeling just as bad as I went in. The only positive was I did not have a fever any more.
After my awesome visit to the hospital I had a week till my next chemotherapy appointment. Let me restate that...My LAST Red Devil Chemo appointment. I still felt terrible but I wanted to get it over with. I some how made it through the week and my blood levels were high enough so that Friday it was a successful transfusion. My doctor also prescribed me a more potent antibiotic hoping it would clear my infection/pneumonia faster since the antibiotics the hospital gave me weren't cutting it. These antibiotics were that week's downfall!
That week after my last dense dose chemo was the worst week of all this adventure. Not only was the side effects of the chemo in full force but so was the side effects of the antibiotics mixed with my cough. So that week I suffered severe diarrhea, dehydration, and manic coughing on top of all the fatigue and nausea. I was so weak I thought for sure by Wednesday I would pass out driving home from work. I couldn't make it through the day without breaking out in tears in front of my coworkers and students. It was terrible but after attempting to make it through the day on Wednesday at school I left early and went straight to SCCA. There I spoke with my nurse, got another chest x-ray and they prescribed me a new cough medicine. That night I went home and slept for 3 days straight. I had hoped through all of this I wouldn't miss school for random sick days because if I did I would feel bad for my students but my body told me I needed to rest NOW so I did and boy did it help!
Flash forward a week later to this past Friday, I know this is a huge time lapse, but I started my low dose Taxol chemotherapy. This chemotherapy will be every Friday for the next twelve weeks. Yay (vomit)! I no longer have to get a Nuelasta shot on Saturdays to boost my white blood cell count (yay no more aches and pains in my bones) but this does mean I have to be extra cautious of my health. I am praying I stay healthy throughout this fall so I do not have to miss a chemo appointment. Right now I am scheduled to end chemo on December 13th. If I miss one appointment at all it will bump into Christmas break and I may not get to go home. Cross my fingers this doesn't happen. When I went in on Friday for my chemo appointment it went the same as all the others. I first had a blood draw (my counts were high enough to proceed), followed by a visit with my oncologist and then my transfusion. My doctor told me my mass is getting smaller. I can still feel it deep in my tissue but I really have to dig for it. After she did my physical exam she discussed all the side effects Taxol has. The effects are less severe than the A/C (Red Devil) but over time (12 consecutive weeks) can get worse. They are as follows: fatigue (but not as bad- I was up and moving on Monday which is unusual), extreme heartburn (still one of the worst side effects), constipation (terrible- don't EVER take pooping for granted) :) hot flashes (these are really bad right now and I haven't slept in days), and last but not least peripheral neuropathy. Peripheral neuropathy is bad. My oncologist said that with Taxol I could lose feeling in my hands and feet and if I do not monitor it, and it will become permanent. She told me in order to help prevent complete loss of feeling in my hands and feet it I needed to buy Glutamine powder and take it three times a day in yogurt or hot tea. Yesterday I went to a supplement store purchased this powder and started taking it today. It is quite disgusting but beats losing feeling in my extremities. I got my armor on and I am still fighting strong.
So this sums up the past month. Now to discuss how I feel emotionally. This month has been the hardest yet. With being sick, missing family, getting more and more medical bills I am overwhelmed with emotions. Yet I keep pushing. I keep telling myself it could be worse. I keep telling myself so many people are looking up to me to put on a brave face and push through, and I have. I know I have the right to cry, and believe me I have, but something inside of me tells me it is not worth it. I am alive. I have the most AMAZING friends and family in my life that have kept me going. I feel stronger every day because of them. It kills me inside that I will never be able to repay these people who have had such an impact on me the last few months. It is another thing I will never again take for granted. You have reignited my flame (thanks Sarah for the reference). This feeling alone is overwhelming, but a happy overwhelming. I spoke with my mother today about how I wish I could pay back everyone who has been so incredibly amazing to me in this time and she told me nobody expects pay back but I can always pay it forward. I want more than anything to pay it forward and one day I will. This experience has changed me more than I really think I can comprehend. It brings me to tears thinking about how all the positives have truly outweighed the negatives. I am hundreds of miles away from my family but the love I feel from everyone makes me feel like I am right at home and not at one moment alone in this fight. Friends I lost touch with, family I haven't seen in forever, or even met before are reaching out to keep me positive. Many people have said I have changed them for the better but they have no idea how much they have changed me. Thank you all so much!
I have eleven weeks left of chemotherapy and I am assuming (let's hope I am right) that it can only get easier from there. I mean a new set of boobs (ha ha) and a potential tummy tuck to make them beats heartburn, nausea, fatigue, constipation and just overall feeling crappy right? Phase one of this year long job is almost over with. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I feel like I cannot run fast enough to get there, but I promise myself and my family I will be sprinting and karate chopping the whole way. I value my life and I am strong. Cancer picked the wrong person. Anyone who knows me knows I am a work-a-holic so three intense jobs, like I have right now, is a breeze.
P.S. Fun Fact: My nurse told me the other day my nose will probably run on a regular basis because since I have lost most of my body hair that includes nose hair too. Weird huh? Because I have no hair in my nose I can't stop the snot from running. Haha I found it fascinating. Also below is a picture of my new bald head. All I have now is baby hair that doesn't fall out because of its follicles.
