Don't forget to be awesome today!

Week 3 was full of humbling experiences. During this week I learned  how to ask for help and how to let go of things I can't control. It was very overwhelming yet extremely humbling. I cannot thank you all enough for the support you have shown me in this battle. It is surreal. People I haven't spoke to in so long are reaching out to me to give me support and it makes me feel so loved. I know I would do the same for anyone in my boat but sometimes I don't think I deserve this recognition. I never felt I was that important to someone yet alone the hundreds who have reached out to me. This has made me change my perspective on my life and like I said it has been incredibly humbling and makes me want to fight this alien cancer even more! So thank you all! I will never be able to repay you and that is hard for me to accept. I also want to especially thank those people who have gone above and beyond anything I can imagine to make me smile or take the stress off me financially. Samantha Summers and Patricia Hayles I will give you my first born children (which could be twins due to IVF-haha) if you can wait till you are almost 40 to receive them. Your fundraiser and all who have donated to it continue to bring me to tears everyday. TEARS. Wow. Also I got a pleasant surprise from my cousin Jami this week. It was a braclet that said "Don't forget to be awesome today" along with a card that said "Being awesome comes naturally to you." I love the thought of this quote. It so simple but so powerful to me. I received it on Wednesday after I talked with my oncologist and it turned my crappy day into all smiles. I even slept in it! I don't need materials or money to know you all support me. I have received so many positive comments and thoughts that those alone are what is keeping me so positive and humorous through this all. It is a front powered by all of you! I wish we lived in fairy land were happy thoughts cured everything because I would be a superhero.

Monday was the beginning of my humbling week. On Monday I had my chemo port put into my chest. My oncologist suggested I have a port put in so that my "young" veins do not get destroyed by the constant poking and prodding that will take place throughout the year. In the port they can draw blood, give chemo and I believe (from seeing someone else go through it) they can even give some other IVs through it. This seemed like a great idea and a simple surgery that I would be able to handle with no issues. Well I now realize I am a bigger wimp than I thought. Daniel and I showed up to the hospital at 7:30a.m. to get blood work and an IV started. Then we waited...and waited. The hospital is not at all like SCCA, there is a lot of waiting around and sometimes it seems like they overbook appointments. Either way, Daniel and I entertained ourselves by listening the the patients next to us be sarcastic with the doctors and the doctors dish it right back as we played cards. It was quite entertaining. Oh, and also, one of my nurses looked like Doc from Back to the Future so that was fun. I should have asked him to teleport me to the future to skip all this. Around 11:00 a.m. they finally took me back to the operating room. They explained the surgery which seemed like a science experiment you would do on Frankenstein. They cut into my jugular and threaded a catheter up and into it so all drugs from here on out have a direct line to my blood supply. Step one in my alien transformation. Maybe they inserted a tracking device like the ones that go into humans on the TV show "V." That would be cool. After my surgery the nurse put me in a post-op room to recover (wake up) and eat. I had mac n' cheese and it was by far the best hospital food I have had yet. I had some pain after the surgery but not terrible pain so I thought "this isn't so bad". At 2:20 p.m. the nurse bandaged me up and told me not to shower for three days and sent me on my way. Ughh...time to get crafty.

Now I have a new scar to match the one on the other side.

Shortly after the pain medicine wore off my body was in hell. The pain on a scale of 1-10 felt like a 10. It felt like I had a metal bar stuck into my chest and it felt like my collarbone was made out of plastic and with the slightest movement it would snap. Walking hurt, laying down hurt, turning my head hurt. The only thing I could do was lay sitting slighting up with my head forward. I stayed this way for the rest of the day and if I needed anything Daniel helped me with it. I felt bad asking for help but I had no other choice. As night fall came Daniel had to go to work and I was home alone trying to sleep with this intense pain. Around 4:00a.m. I had a small mental breakdown but eventually fell asleep.

Tuesday morning when Daniel came home from work I got up to head to my school to meet with my principal to discuss the plan for the year. Daniel had to help me wash my hair in the kitchen sink because I couldnt' move my whole right side and I was told I can't shower for three days. Again...ugh. I felt so incredibly helpless and I owe him 100 guitar pedals for what I sadly feel I am going to put him through this year. This trend of helplessness continued the rest of the day. My friend Alicia picked me up from my apartment (because no way could I drive) to take me to the school and then lunch later. When we got to the school we checked in with my administrator so I could get the information needed to pursue the school district's responsibilities. Another helpless moment during this was Alicia had to take notes for me the whole time. After we met with the principal we headed to lunch with another friend Kate. It was a blast and nice to actually get to do something besides go to appointments and discuss paperwork. After lunch we went to the district office and mapped out a plan for my intermittent disability for the year. Lots of paperwork and I learned another lesson from all this. If you have the chance at your work SIGN UP FOR SHORT TERM DISABILITY NOW! Nobody thinks about signing up for disability when you are super healthy (seriously I check NO to all the questionaires at the doctor's office for health issues) but once you do come down with an alien disease of some sort you can't file for it because you have a pre-existing condition. Lame if you ask me! Guess growing up means thinking ahead.

After sorting things out at the district office my whole body hurt to the point of nausea so Alicia took me home where I sat again, in the same position, for the rest of the day.

Wednesday was jammed packed with tasks for the day. Early in the morning I went to Swedish Med to talk to a genetic counselor to get tested for BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes. Knowing whether these are positive or not will help me determine if I need to have a double mastectomy or not. If positive there is a 40% chance cancer can occur in the other breast sometime in my lifetime. We don't want that to happen! This counselor was brilliant. He asked my family history and asked how many aunts and uncles I have on each side and how many children they have. When I was telling him all  of this 9 times out of 10 he knew exactly how many boys to girls ratio there were in each family. The only family that threw him off was my Uncle Greg's (he had 4 girls and no boys). After the family tree breakdown he decided since there was no major history of cancer or breast cancer in my family that the BRCA tests were the only ones that were needed. He drew some blood and that was it. Simple! I should know those results in 3-4 weeks.

After leaving Swedish Med I headed to lunch with Daniel and my friends Krista and Emma. I have been anxiously awaiting to go to this restaurant called Lunchbox Laboratory since I moved here but hadn't made it there till today. Now most of you know I am a huge geek, well this place totally feeds into that. They had amazing burgers and drinks out of BEAKERS!! This is the only time you are allowed to drink out of a beaker. How exciting! Needless to say, I had a blast and it was a nice break.

After lunch Daniel and I headed to SCCA to meet with my oncologist to discuss my chemo schedule and test results. I met with Dr. Ellis and we discussed my MRI biopsy results, body scan and CT scan in more detail. My MRI biopsy was positive (like I said last week) for cancer, however the cancer in my lymph node was very small and should react well to the chemo before it can spread anywhere else. The MRI also determined that I have to have lymph node removal and at least a mastectomy when it comes time for my surgery. My bone scan was negative for any cancer. YAY! However, my CT scan showed a few alarming places in my neck and lungs. My doctor ordered an Ultrasound for my neck for August 1st to check that further. She isn't sure if this issue is connected or a different issue. Now I will jut wait. In the lungs she is going to monitor the nodules found for a few months with more CT scans to make sure they are not growing and to see if they respond to the chemo. They could be cancerous or they could be scarring from histoplasmosis (which most people who live near the Missouri River valley may have). Time will only tell but "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python :) Right? After all the results were explained we set up a calendar for my chemo and went over ALL the possible side effects of cancer. They gave me a large booklet to explain each treatment, each side effect and treatments for each side effect. There was so much information that they actually assigned me homework on which chapters to read before my first chemo appointment.

 It was decided I will start my chemo on August 2. That will give me time to finish my IVF and harvest my eggs within the next few weeks and start on a Friday. Friday chemo will help minimize the amount of school time I will miss by giving me the weekend to recover. Any teacher knows its a pain to have to make sub plans and at the rate I am going chemo ALONE will take at least 14 sick days (every Friday). My chemo will start with dense doses. I will take two drugs together every other Friday for 4 doses (8 weeks total) then follow that with different chemo that will be weekly for 12 weeks. For those of you staring at a calendar that means I will be spending my 28th birthday getting my second chemo dosage. I am thinking about making Red Devil cupcakes (in honor of the nickname of the drug) or molecule cupcakes to celebrate the occassion. I will post pictures. Way to get old!

Thursday (today) was a day of rest. I had one panic attack this morning when I took the dressing off my chest and neck to see a round port under my skin. The thought of something under my skin made me a little light headed and brought me to tears. I just have to remember it is all going towards my alien tracking for when I get chosen to travel to Mars for the U.S. (that's still classified info) For the name of science! Haha. I had one appointment this morning at the Seattle Reproductive Center to pick up all my meds to start IVF on Friday. It is a LOT of meds and then I've been napping all day. It has been so relaxing and long overdue.

Friday (tomorrow), I am going to try to get out of the house and enjoy my first Seattle summer. I may go to the dog park to let my dogs roam since they have been stuck in the house all week :(  or really I am free to do anything I want. Friday night will be hard though, I have to start my IVF shots. Yikes. Poking through my skin myself makes me nervous.

This isn't even half of them

  

I want the days to go by to get it all over with but I think I need to slow down and try to enjoy the time I do get to be free. May go on a few adventures next week. So far it looks like I only have morning appointments three days next week! Yay!