The other night I was watching "Man vs. Food" on the Food Network astonished by how much food the host can eat. He starts his day by eating two or three famous and delicious looking meals followed by some outrageous challenge where he has to eat a large portion of his body weight in more delicious food. The host always starts out strong and eating through at least half of the desired amount as the crowd cheers him on in excitement. Then about a third or half of the way through the plate he hits a wall. The wall of panic. Will he finish or won't he? How can he re-strategize to complete this task and be victorious? Sweat pours down his face as he makes each and every move after that point. I enjoy making humorous analogies of my cancer and this is another to ease my stress. Instead of mounds of food and a New Yorker as the host it is mounds of cancer and a Missourian dooking it out. MAN (woman) VS. CANCER! I am a third of the way through it and it has gone by so easy, but I still have so much further to go and I haven't even hit my wall. This scares me a bit.
"Time out!" As a kid I used to use those exact words so I could dodge the impending doom of being tagged in a game of hide and seek or chase. Using those two words would allow my anxiety and stress to just release for a moment while I recollected my thoughts and strategies to continue the game. As I am winding down in my chemotherapy countdown I am anxiously awaiting my "time out." The moment when I can say I am done with phase one and can regroup before phase two of this three phase year. The past four months have flown by so incredibly fast that I haven't really even begun to think about phase two of this whole alien-disease annihilation. The chemotherapy has been tough on me physically and emotionally but I was prepared. I knew it would be hard and going in with that mentality actually made it much easier to handle. It is like when you plan ahead so far and you feel so comfortable and excited to be "ahead" but then slowly real-time creeps up on you and you no longer have that buffer of planning or time. Now you are in present time and you need to use the "time out" before you self-destruct. My "time-out" is coming up and I need to get my ducks in order so I can figure out my next move: phase 2 surgery.
As most of you know I have 2 more chemotherapy appointments left. After my last one on December 12 (Thursday) I have an appointment that same day with my surgeon. During this appointment I am hoping to get some insight on what day I will have surgery (early January) and what my options for surgery will be. I have thought long and hard about some of the options I know I am afforded in this decision making process and others I am just as confused as I was the day I first spoke with my surgeon months ago. My head is spinning with various questions and paths I am curious about when it comes to this surgery. I have spoke to numerous cancer survivors in my months leading up to this and it seems like every person has a different outcome, a different pathway to being cancer-free and I am not sure which one will fit me best. I know for a fact that I want to have a double mastectomy. For some women this decision is a hard one, but for me the shear thought of getting cancer in my other breast at a later date is something I cannot handle. I do not care if the odds are low; if they are taking one they might as well take the other. Less worry and stress later on in life! Now I know emotionally that may come back in bite me in the butt because maybe I will feel less feminine or more insecure, but I will constantly remind myself NOTHING is more feminine or secure than karate chopping cancer and being a survivor. The double mastectomy is an easy decision. It is the reconstruction decisions after where I struggle. Which path do I take? How long will the recovery be? How will I look? How will I feel? I said earlier I was prepared for the chemotherapy. I have learned a lot about the effects of chemotherapy from going through it but then it all ends. Everything goes back to normal. With my surgery the decisions I make and the process of going through it is permanent. I have to live with it. Am I ready for those decisions? Have I really thought through them as much as I can? The chemotherapy was tough and it is the word most people shutter at when they hear cancer but I am not sure I feel the same way. This surgery scares me more. After my December 12th appointment I have about a month of "time out" to regroup and restrategize for my surgery. During that time I get to spend it with the people I love in Kansas City. I am sure it will all come together.
An update on my current physical and emotional status:
I have completed 14 chemotherapy treatments (4 A/C and 10 Taxol). I feel pretty weak but extremely positive. I am still experiencing joint and back pains, extreme nose bleeds (2-3 times a day), neuropathy in the fingers, my fingernails are dead and trying to fall off (gross), bloating from the Taxol, dry eyes from the Taxol, hot flashes from the Lupron and the constant lingering metal taste in my mouth regardless of what I eat or drink (worst taste ever). The last 10 treatments were easier than the first 4 but the side effects do not go away between each one. It has become an everyday, every minute occurrence. I just deal with it. Last Friday I had a check-up with my doctor. She scheduled pre-operation scans for December 6th so I know how much my cancer has shrunk going into my surgery. While she was examining me I explained to her a sharp pain and discoloration I have experienced in the location of my mass. She inspected it and thinks it may be an infection from an old biopsy. She has put me on an intense dose of antibiotics for one week to see if it helps. If the pain and discoloration at the site are still present on Friday when I go back in I am supposed to let her know. Hopefully it is nothing serious.
